Posted by Flower Pagan (68.35.114.160) on November 29, 2002 at 00:10:21:
In Reply to: Re: 4 & 9 posted by Emily (68.13.144.194) on November 28, 2002 at 15:32:53:
Emily, my bestfriend is a 4w3, and she can relate to you with her 9w1 boyfriend. 9w1 are more quiet than I am because I also have a 8 wing. He probably don't feel secure enough to "rock the boat" with you, in fear of losing the connection or bond that he has with you. Intensity could look like choas to us 9 who wants peace and harmony, more so to a 9w1! When my sweety start fussing, the first thing I want to do is leave and tune out on the Internet in my own peaceful world and wait for him to calm down. I do appreciate his efforts to talk with me more calmly and rationally.
It does not seem logical to fight and end up saying things that could destroy the loving bond that we treasure so very much. I just called my friend, and I did ask about her relationship of 3 years and he still doesn't fight with her. Have your read Riso's book "The Wisdom of the Enneagram" concerning 9w1? They don't fight. I read that to my friend, so she can learn how to tell when he is angry and she laugh. She could not believe that was his way of showing anger. lol I would quote it, but I misplaced my book. It was so miled that she could not believe it. lol
Yes, us 9 can be very "in the present" oriented, yet sometimes, our personal past may creep up in our memories. The past is gone and there is nothing we can do to change that, and the future well, I may have more interests in the future than a 9w1 void of the 8 wing. Emily, don't hate me, but I am late a lot too, but I have improved over the years! If you want him to be on time, you have to put an earlier time in his head. Instead, of saying be ready at 10 am, but tell him an earlier time, like 9:30 am. If he is ready early, then that is a great opportunity to spend time together before the event or appointment. MOre than likely, he will be ready on time.
It does not mean that we do not care. Not at all. Froggy, told me that he is leaving work at 5:30, which was early and unexpected. I was on the computer posting at that time and continued to do so. By the time, I was finished posting, it was 5:30 pm or later. So, I finally rushed into the showers and got dressed and was so glad that I was finished before he got home. Instead of telling me when he is coming home, he told me when he is leaving work, which made the time earlier in my head. He is clever, isn't he! lol
Emily, you don't want him to fight with you, do you really? Well, my friend was with her man for 3 years, and he still doesn't fight with her. If she wants him to leave, he just leave without a fuss. He is not a sexual variant, so he is not going to have 2 like qualities of relational. I don't know what variant is your boyfriend is, but I have a question for you, could you live with a man that doesn't not want to fight, and it is not in his personality to fight? He has components of 1 and 9, which are the 2 ennetypes that feels anger to be an undesirable element in a relationship and within themselves. Can you live with that? It is the 8 wing that brings me to fight back, once in a while. He probably don't feel like it is going to do him any good to fight with you in the long run.
He would probably talk to you when you calm down and talk rationally with him in a peaceful sort of way. Froggy wispered in my ears today, when we were in the house alone and the peacefulness of his tone, just made me feel more responsive and at ease. I wonder where did he find that technique from. If you have broke up with him or have rejected him as my friend did, that will not make him feel the security that fighting will not destroy the relationship. You have a right to be who you are and your feelings are valid. Have you tried writing him letters?
I have talked to her boyfriend before and he have a different way of processing information because he is very similar to being like a 5, like your boyfriend! He was my friend, and I introduced them to each other, so I understand him. He does not relate to emotionalism, like 5, he is more a logical or practical thinker. Sometimes, I am more effective in getting him to do things that he feels is a waste of time because I tell him the logic of why he should do it. They are both highly intelligent, but she is more feeling and he is more thinking. I wish I knew how to get him to argue with her, but I don't want to arque either. lol I believe it is better to be rational, but it is not a matter of right or wrong styles of communications because both are valid. It is a personality thing. Check it out in that book about 9w1 and see does it describe him as it did her boyfriend.
What if he never fight with you, what would you do? Can you live with him being that way? Does he know the enneagram and understand the nature of both personalities that are in the relationship with each other? Awareness does help. Have you ever wrote him a letter and told him how you felt in a non-threaten to the bond sort of way?
Flower Pagan
Even the flowers argue with the weeds and said "go away, you are killing the grass". lol
> > Since you are a 4, doesn't it bother you when he wants to keep the peace and you want to discuss it with a little intensity at times?
> Yes, that bothers me. I mean, it gets to the point where the only "intensity" I want out of him is to like, pick out the toothpaste or something. He can't do those things. He just doesn't care about little things like that. You can imagine my frustration when it comes time to make big decisions that affect both of us, and he can't help. He is extremely, maybe to an unhealthy point, focused on what is happening right here right now. Not 5 hours from now, not 2 minutes ago, RIGHT NOW. He's late a lot because of that reason.
>
> > Does he get silent in the face of your anger?
> Yes. I've had lots of conversations when I've been angry and it's just me talking to him and he has absolutely no feedback. His logic is, "You haven't asked me any questions, just said things, so what am I supposed to say?" Either that or he'll get extremely delf-depricating and agree with all the angry things I'm saying about him! I want him to fight with me!