Posted by Hank (152.163.253.35) on September 19, 2003 at 01:19:15:
I have been into the Enneagram for about 3-4 years now. I've read 2 or 3 books on it, analysed myself, my family, friends, pets, etc. (I believe I'm a Two with Three wing) and have thought I was getting pretty good at typing those I knew. Until now!
When I met my fiancee a bit over 2 years ago, I fairly quickly had her cast as a Nine. She was loving, caring, sensitive, had a great and loving family and fantastic relationship with both parents. She is a speech therapist who gave it up to teach grade 2, even though it was a significant pay cut.
However, over the course of the last 1 and a half years or so, things seem to have changed. When she took up teaching, she started working very hard, often spending 4-5 hours a night preparing lesson plans and resources (games, cards, etc.) for class the next day. That was understandable during her first year (she didn't have any games for the kids, felt nervous and out of control unless she had a lesson plan). However, she didn't seem to slow down in the second year....OK, maybe the resources had gaps, she wanted to improve some of them. BUT, she's just started her third year, and she's still working 3-5 hours a night, making new resources, games, cards, etc. as if she didn't have a thing she could do with the kids the next day (as if the resources from the last 2 years didn't exist).
Then, there were the gradual criticisms of/dissatisfaction with me/us that seem to have been coming out over time. Her family had always gone away at least 2 weekends a month (whereas mine went away once or twice a year), so we never went away enough. I didn't take her out enough, or didn;t help around the house enough (or only helped when I was asked). I drank too much, smoked too much and didn't go to the gym enough. And, worst of all (from my viewpoint as well as hers), we stopped making love often enough.
Her way of dealing with this is: (a) raise it rationally, but with concern, to me (not directly accusing me, but expressing it as a problem); (b) get angry if my reaction is defensive or not accomodating; (c) get upset; (d) once we have talked it through, go back to being loving again.
The thing is, much of what she says is probably true (more or less). From her perspective, we wouldn't go away for weekends enough (we go once or twice a month), but from my point of view, we were always off somewhere. As far as going out places when we're in town, we do this regularly (this issue only arises about once every couple of months).
On the smoking and going to the gym, I can't argue. One the drinking, well I'm a bit of a bad boy sometimes :)
On the making love....Being a Two (and a male Two), I need to feel needed, have my ego "stroked", feel like a whole man. I know this may be somewhat conceited, but I just don't often feel like making love to someone who I perceive as being so regularly disappointed with me (though our actual love-making is great).
I hadn't considered her type for a long time until relatively recently. Imagine my unease when I recently reflected on the last year or 2 and have come to the conclusion that it seems apparent she is not a Nine, but a One.
Not that I mind being with a One, I just need to know what I'm dealing with. She has also been under the impression that she's a Nine for the last couple of years. So, when she tries the enneagram to resolve her problems, it doesn't seem to do much good.
I'm too close and confused by my preconceptions to know whether she is a Nine, a Nine with a One wing, a One with a Nine wing, or what.
I haven't read anything to suggest that Nines and Ones are readily mistaken. Are there any Nines or Ones out there (or anyone who knows Nines and Ones) who can give me an idea about how to deal with this (and help her figure it out)?
I'd be very grateful.