Posted by K.B. on October 29, 2000 at 19:16:52:
When I was younger, I was the sort of guy that wanted to be admired and liked but wound up in the background. {Charlie Brown Syndrome}. I dreamt of being a Rock star or athlete; people saw me {if at all} as a serious type of bookworm. I wanted to be a hero; others saw me as the guy who always needed/wanted advice, which usually boiled down to "Be like me......" So I was seen by insecure macho types as a "validator" that their own fantasies were realities.
> I discovered reading, thinking and the beauty and peace from taking long walks. I mean LONG walks, I'd go miles and miles nonstop for hour after hour. I learned to enjoy my own company, appreciate my humor and {subjective?} insights, and learned to like myself and not need to share anything with others or get their feedback.
> What am I doing posting here then? I wish I could figure THAT one out myself. Anyway.............
> These days solitude is a wished for, longed for premium. Its like a Jew or an Italian must feel in Mississipi when he looks for Kosher food or authentic Pizza. {"I'd pay a premium to ship it in, I can't find it"}.What happened? On the home front, I married a 2w1 woman who's need for people and personal attention {as opposed to posting on anonymous boards} is as strong as mine is nonexistent. I love her, but she doesn't in the differences of love's expression or the different styles of the types.
> BTW the woman named Michelle that I asked other posters on the main board to analyze is a close relative of my wife's. > On my job, I get into deep thinking while I dump bags. I get into this manic intensity and overload the belt, because its such a joy to do this stuff. It feels like self expression and artistic creation. Even the bosses yell at me to slow down {it also serves to work out frustration}but when the sh-t hits the fan, management is glad to have me there. I show up every day and always make em their deadline.
> In a place like where I work, bored people {most of the workers there are bored} become gossip mongers, trouble makers and fighters.My section is divided into cliques that dislike each other; I resisted this and let it be known from the beginning that I was "neutral" and here to work. So I get along with all, but get plenty of co-workers gossiping to me and trying to "sway" me. {And these are males doing much of this}.And there are many who want to know about me as well, like why do I dump so much, why am I so quiet, why am I so cool all the time, etc?
> I could go unfriendly, but this isn't my style either. The ones who want to "know" about me are predominantly the women there and I can't resist a smiling face and soft voice and all. Not that they are "interested" as they know I'm married, but I can't snub a friendly woman. So when they ask me questions, I make them laugh or if they confide{if anyone confides in me} I listen. I stop listening if the problems are always the same, if the talker doesn't do anything to change it, if I can't help someone who keeps repeating the same thing.
> But what happens to the old days of "living in my head?" Sometimes I fear I won't be able to get back to the same feel. Just a couple of years ago, in fact, I was at some kind of peak re: living the life for one.Even then{and I notice it now} I couldn't wear headphones at work, because it would serve as a "red flag" for someone to want to start a conversation. But I miss the old days. To those of you who are living alone, I don't say its for everyone..... but learn to enjoy your space and make friends with yourself. You should be your own best friend since you know yourself best. You are your oldest friend and will be with yourself for all eternity.