Posted by Cory on March 30, 2001 at 17:30:44:
In Reply to: The perfect gift for the well-equipped mercenary posted by The Fool of Spoons on March 29, 2001 at 19:07:15:
i am eating a cinnamon roll cuz i am hungry. Lets take
this time to thank our favorite corporate sponsor, RONCO
-- makers of such high tech devices as the Portable
Gorilla Feeder(tm): When you need to feed your gorilla,
on the go!
The Washable Pancake Plate!(tm) Used to be in the past,
you weren't able to wash the plates you put pancakes on
it. It was simply bad manners! Well, they still exist
today but to counter this blind tradition following, we
installed an INTERGALACTIC SPACIAL BUTTDILDO TRON on the
plate to make it, 100% Washable! Throw it in the washer!
IT WONT EXPLODE!
The Thomas Jefferson Football!(tm) While not as popular
as the John Elway or Jerry Rice football, it still
features a well-drawn likeness of our third president as
well as his signature, delicately reproduced from the
Declaration of Independence!
Denise Baker's How To Get Famous Kit!(tm) Let Denise
Baker show you how to become famous! Includes a
hairbrush, nail clippers, cosmetics, a camera, mirror,
some condoms, and a 1978 Buick LeSabre hubcap. Who is
Denise Baker, you ask? Why, we don't know either! She
SAID she was famous. But who the fuck is she? Nobody
knows!
Salt Pepsi!(tm) The wizards over at PepsiCo engineered
with their recipe for GREAT TASTING COKE, I MEAN COLA by
adding 15% salt to it. The result is a drink 8x more
saltier than the ocean. The reasoning behind this product
was to make a drink that made you drink even more of it.
By drinking Salt Pepsi, you'll need to get another one to
quench that thirst, then another after that and so on.
They could make a FORTUNE. However, the vast majority of
people just threw up after one sip and never bought the
drink again. The scientists never saw that one coming.
Mushroom Horoscope Writer's Kit!(tm) Ever write a
horoscope chart up for mushrooms and toadstools, but
never thought you had the imagination to do so? THEN TAKE
THIS KIT! It has Everything you need to start your career
as a mushroom horoscope writer! -does not include compass
and live mealy worms-
Lavaslide at Kiokeaukikihou Beach, Hawaii(tm) We created
the world's first lava park where visitors pay money to
slide down a lava rush off a live volcano. We initally
gave them firefighter's suits to ward off the heat but we
forgot that lava melts through it, so there are no repeat
customers.
The Emily Hiykel Flavored-Glass Cleaning Solution!(tm)
Endorsed by Emily herself, who wears glasses, and is
famous for wearing glasses -- did you see that Billy
Crystal sketch on SNL where he pretends he is Emily and
Dustin Hoffman plays John and the Artist Formerly Known
as Prince, no wait he is now Prince again, plays Cory,
and Bridget Fonda plays Emily's jealous, neuropathic
mother, Priscilla Presley-Hodges. She didnt marry a guy
named HOdges though. She's in $cientology. THE BRAINWAY
TO THE FUCKED UP WORLD> I dont like scientology. it
sucks. OK SO LISTEN!!!! THe Flavored glass cleaning
solution is perfect for those who like to drink their
glass cleaners, but hate the feeling of their esophagus
melting. Windex has been known to cause holes in your
throat. WELL the solution has arrived, courtesy of Ronco!
This edible solution not only wipes off smudges, but
tastes like Peppermint too! It is a combination of Windex
and Listerine, only it tastes better than Windex, and
cleans better than Listerine! That's beatin' the
competition.
The Robin Williams Home Masturbation Device!(tm) Fitness
guru Robin Williams, best known for his paintings Mona
Lisa, Guernica, and Untitled, will be present at the
Springfield Municipal Auditorium on June 6, 1944 to
commemmorate a new statue dedicated to Elvis Presley at
Cedar Park, Utah. This masturbation device fits
comfortably around the pelvis and can be used by both men
and women. Our choice of color please.
Holed Condoms!(tm) These are authentic Trojan(tm) brand
condoms with .25 mm holes poked all over it, enabling
holes enough large enough for semen to leak out but not
big enough to see!!! A classic prank to play on your
buddies. Give it to the secretary and come home from the
weekend pregnant. Imagine seeing the look on your golfing
buddy's (who always beats you) face as he realizes he is
HIV+. Don't let the good memories pass you up!
Don't Step In the Cow Shit Sign!(tm) These wonderfully
humorous novelty road signs feature a stick figure
sticking in cow shit and cussing in anger with the BIG
BLACK BOLD letters below it DONT STEP IN THE COW SHIT.
Perfect for farms. Also perfect for suburban homes,
because you wouldn't expect a cow there and it's kinda
funny having a sign you don't need at your house.
Today is Italy. Tomorrow is France. Tomorrow I dance in
my underpants. How many times as that Ancient Rhyme (of
the Mariner) been repeated? France-Underpants.
Venus-Penis. Nantucket-Fuck it. Come on people, be
original. Remember the 1980's Say No to Drugs campaigns?
THEY SUCKED! Fuck all that I like being a pothead. Hooray
for weed. Weed is all I need.
So that is our paid corporate sponsor announcement. Yea
that was long. But Ronco is financing my entire life If i
mention them every 5 minutes to someone. That means i get
free car, free house, free bills -- all for living out
the rest of my life mentioning Ronco every 5 minutes. DO
I HAVE IT MADE OR WHAT? This is the future of advertising
- life dedication. I will also have a Ronco tattoo on my
arm. Everyone will become advertisers for Ronco to
satiate their monetary desires. Tell Ronco that
You Want to Advertise for them TodaY! WWW.RONCO.COM! Yuh huh!
Ronco is a representation of the Supreme Diety here on
earth. LEt's discuss a nother matter.
By the way, the above was written while I was HIGH a couple of weeks ago. :) Yesterday and the day before I got high again. And tomorrow night I'm getting REALLY high. Oh, and I haven't even got around to drinking the two whole liters of whisky stored under my bed. :) Life is good, life is fun...but it isn't that for everyone (just me!).
-Cory