What a waste

Subject:

Comments:
: All that good humor - pfft! Out the window! How did you eat your Halloween candy? All at once? If you have ten good ideas, it's not smart to spend them in one extravaganza - many people won't even read it. Make 'em last! Sprinkle your posts with them like you might cinnamon! Except that humor doesn't slide to the bottom of the screen like cinnamon would! : I'll suggest a few products, despite my own Foolish advice. : The tuning spork: the musical cereal and spaghetti consumption device. CRUNCH, toiiing, SLURP, toooiing. (I've had this one for ages, and I've already mentioned it on these boards, but just a reminder that it's my idea) : The AOL disk boomerang maker: you've used them as frisbees for as long as you can remember, but don't you sometimes wish they would come back after you threw them? You never know where your next AOL disk might come from, so you better conserve your limited stashes of them. With this groundbreaking kit for carving and bending plastic, you can convert your AOL disks into miniature boomerangs. : The Amazing Wireless Cheese: Don't you often yearn for the day when you can enjoy your cheese without those annoying cables getting in the way? That day has come! This is one cheese that doesn't NEED a plug adapter. : The Inflatable Pin: Wouldn't your home be so much roomier if you didn't have to waste so much space on pin storage? The Inflatable Pin is the tool you need. Simply open the valve on the side of the pin with tweezers and a microscope (not included), and hold a carefully trained flea (also not included) up to the opening. Within minutes, your pin will be as large as any other. Inflatable Pins quickly collapse back into their compact, easy-to-store shape for your convenience. WARNING: To reduce the risk of puncture, store each Inflatable Pin separately. : The Tofu Box: Studies have shown that eating tofu can, among myriad beneficial effects, decrease one's memory. (This is actually true) Well, never misplace your tofu again. Just place one 1-inch cube of tofu into the Tofu Box, snap the cover on, and let the incredible process begin. When you feel that you would like to eat some tofu, merely REMOVE the cover of the Tofu Box, and magically find a cube of tofu inside! How did it get there? Nobody knows! Such is the magic of the Tofu Box. : The Antique Machine: Looks like an ordinary shelf, but does much, much more! Stack everything that you want to antiquate on the shelf, and before you can count from one to three billion at a rate of one number per second, your tacky new items will have aged considerably. : Well, that's all. It's 11:00 PM; I should be going to sleep soon. I shouldn't take the time to think up any more of those. : : i am eating a cinnamon roll cuz i am hungry. Lets take : : this time to thank our favorite corporate sponsor, RONCO : : -- makers of such high tech devices as the Portable : : Gorilla Feeder(tm): When you need to feed your gorilla, : : on the go! : : : : : : : : The Washable Pancake Plate!(tm) Used to be in the past, : : you weren't able to wash the plates you put pancakes on : : it. It was simply bad manners! Well, they still exist : : today but to counter this blind tradition following, we : : installed an INTERGALACTIC SPACIAL BUTTDILDO TRON on the : : plate to make it, 100% Washable! Throw it in the washer! : : IT WONT EXPLODE! : : : : : : : : The Thomas Jefferson Football!(tm) While not as popular : : as the John Elway or Jerry Rice football, it still : : features a well-drawn likeness of our third president as : : well as his signature, delicately reproduced from the : : Declaration of Independence! : : : : : : : : Denise Baker's How To Get Famous Kit!(tm) Let Denise : : Baker show you how to become famous! Includes a : : hairbrush, nail clippers, cosmetics, a camera, mirror, : : some condoms, and a 1978 Buick LeSabre hubcap. Who is : : Denise Baker, you ask? Why, we don't know either! She : : SAID she was famous. But who the fuck is she? Nobody : : knows! : : : : : : : : Salt Pepsi!(tm) The wizards over at PepsiCo engineered : : with their recipe for GREAT TASTING COKE, I MEAN COLA by : : adding 15% salt to it. The result is a drink 8x more : : saltier than the ocean. The reasoning behind this product : : was to make a drink that made you drink even more of it. : : By drinking Salt Pepsi, you'll need to get another one to : : quench that thirst, then another after that and so on. : : They could make a FORTUNE. However, the vast majority of : : people just threw up after one sip and never bought the : : drink again. The scientists never saw that one coming. : : : : : : : : Mushroom Horoscope Writer's Kit!(tm) Ever write a : : horoscope chart up for mushrooms and toadstools, but : : never thought you had the imagination to do so? THEN TAKE : : THIS KIT! It has Everything you need to start your career : : as a mushroom horoscope writer! -does not include compass : : and live mealy worms- : : : : : : : : Lavaslide at Kiokeaukikihou Beach, Hawaii(tm) We created : : the world's first lava park where visitors pay money to : : slide down a lava rush off a live volcano. We initally : : gave them firefighter's suits to ward off the heat but we : : forgot that lava melts through it, so there are no repeat : : customers. : : : : : : : : The Emily Hiykel Flavored-Glass Cleaning Solution!(tm) : : Endorsed by Emily herself, who wears glasses, and is : : famous for wearing glasses -- did you see that Billy : : Crystal sketch on SNL where he pretends he is Emily and : : Dustin Hoffman plays John and the Artist Formerly Known : : as Prince, no wait he is now Prince again, plays Cory, : : and Bridget Fonda plays Emily's jealous, neuropathic : : mother, Priscilla Presley-Hodges. She didnt marry a guy : : named HOdges though. She's in $cientology. THE BRAINWAY : : TO THE FUCKED UP WORLD> I dont like scientology. it : : sucks. OK SO LISTEN!!!! THe Flavored glass cleaning : : solution is perfect for those who like to drink their : : glass cleaners, but hate the feeling of their esophagus : : melting. Windex has been known to cause holes in your : : throat. WELL the solution has arrived, courtesy of Ronco! : : This edible solution not only wipes off smudges, but : : tastes like Peppermint too! It is a combination of Windex : : and Listerine, only it tastes better than Windex, and : : cleans better than Listerine! That's beatin' the : : competition. : : : : : : : : The Robin Williams Home Masturbation Device!(tm) Fitness : : guru Robin Williams, best known for his paintings Mona : : Lisa, Guernica, and Untitled, will be present at the : : Springfield Municipal Auditorium on June 6, 1944 to : : commemmorate a new statue dedicated to Elvis Presley at : : Cedar Park, Utah. This masturbation device fits : : comfortably around the pelvis and can be used by both men : : and women. Our choice of color please. : : : : : : : : Holed Condoms!(tm) These are authentic Trojan(tm) brand : : condoms with .25 mm holes poked all over it, enabling : : holes enough large enough for semen to leak out but not : : big enough to see!!! A classic prank to play on your : : buddies. Give it to the secretary and come home from the : : weekend pregnant. Imagine seeing the look on your golfing : : buddy's (who always beats you) face as he realizes he is : : HIV+. Don't let the good memories pass you up! : : : : : : : : Don't Step In the Cow Shit Sign!(tm) These wonderfully : : humorous novelty road signs feature a stick figure : : sticking in cow shit and cussing in anger with the BIG : : BLACK BOLD letters below it DONT STEP IN THE COW SHIT. : : Perfect for farms. Also perfect for suburban homes, : : because you wouldn't expect a cow there and it's kinda : : funny having a sign you don't need at your house. : : : : : : : : Today is Italy. Tomorrow is France. Tomorrow I dance in : : my underpants. How many times as that Ancient Rhyme (of : : the Mariner) been repeated? France-Underpants. : : Venus-Penis. Nantucket-Fuck it. Come on people, be : : original. Remember the 1980's Say No to Drugs campaigns? : : THEY SUCKED! Fuck all that I like being a pothead. Hooray : : for weed. Weed is all I need. : : : : : : : : So that is our paid corporate sponsor announcement. Yea : : that was long. But Ronco is financing my entire life If i : : mention them every 5 minutes to someone. That means i get : : free car, free house, free bills -- all for living out : : the rest of my life mentioning Ronco every 5 minutes. DO : : I HAVE IT MADE OR WHAT? This is the future of advertising : : - life dedication. I will also have a Ronco tattoo on my : : arm. Everyone will become advertisers for Ronco to : : satiate their monetary desires. Tell Ronco that : : You Want to Advertise for them TodaY! WWW.RONCO.COM! Yuh huh! : : Ronco is a representation of the Supreme Diety here on : : earth. LEt's discuss a nother matter. : : <b>By the way, the above was written while I was HIGH a couple of weeks ago. :) Yesterday and the day before I got high again. And tomorrow night I'm getting REALLY high. Oh, and I haven't even got around to drinking the two whole liters of whisky stored under my bed. :) Life is good, life is fun...but it isn't that for everyone (just me!).</b> : : -Cory

Optional Link URL:
Link Title:
Optional Image URL: