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: : i am eating a cinnamon roll cuz i am hungry. Lets take : : this time to thank our favorite corporate sponsor, RONCO : : -- makers of such high tech devices as the Portable : : Gorilla Feeder(tm): When you need to feed your gorilla, : : on the go! : : : : : : : : The Washable Pancake Plate!(tm) Used to be in the past, : : you weren't able to wash the plates you put pancakes on : : it. It was simply bad manners! Well, they still exist : : today but to counter this blind tradition following, we : : installed an INTERGALACTIC SPACIAL BUTTDILDO TRON on the : : plate to make it, 100% Washable! Throw it in the washer! : : IT WONT EXPLODE! : : : : : : : : The Thomas Jefferson Football!(tm) While not as popular : : as the John Elway or Jerry Rice football, it still : : features a well-drawn likeness of our third president as : : well as his signature, delicately reproduced from the : : Declaration of Independence! : : : : : : : : Denise Baker's How To Get Famous Kit!(tm) Let Denise : : Baker show you how to become famous! Includes a : : hairbrush, nail clippers, cosmetics, a camera, mirror, : : some condoms, and a 1978 Buick LeSabre hubcap. Who is : : Denise Baker, you ask? Why, we don't know either! She : : SAID she was famous. But who the fuck is she? Nobody : : knows! : : : : : : : : Salt Pepsi!(tm) The wizards over at PepsiCo engineered : : with their recipe for GREAT TASTING COKE, I MEAN COLA by : : adding 15% salt to it. The result is a drink 8x more : : saltier than the ocean. The reasoning behind this product : : was to make a drink that made you drink even more of it. : : By drinking Salt Pepsi, you'll need to get another one to : : quench that thirst, then another after that and so on. : : They could make a FORTUNE. However, the vast majority of : : people just threw up after one sip and never bought the : : drink again. The scientists never saw that one coming. : : : : : : : : Mushroom Horoscope Writer's Kit!(tm) Ever write a : : horoscope chart up for mushrooms and toadstools, but : : never thought you had the imagination to do so? THEN TAKE : : THIS KIT! It has Everything you need to start your career : : as a mushroom horoscope writer! -does not include compass : : and live mealy worms- : : : : : : : : Lavaslide at Kiokeaukikihou Beach, Hawaii(tm) We created : : the world's first lava park where visitors pay money to : : slide down a lava rush off a live volcano. We initally : : gave them firefighter's suits to ward off the heat but we : : forgot that lava melts through it, so there are no repeat : : customers. : : : : : : : : The Emily Hiykel Flavored-Glass Cleaning Solution!(tm) : : Endorsed by Emily herself, who wears glasses, and is : : famous for wearing glasses -- did you see that Billy : : Crystal sketch on SNL where he pretends he is Emily and : : Dustin Hoffman plays John and the Artist Formerly Known : : as Prince, no wait he is now Prince again, plays Cory, : : and Bridget Fonda plays Emily's jealous, neuropathic : : mother, Priscilla Presley-Hodges. She didnt marry a guy : : named HOdges though. She's in $cientology. THE BRAINWAY : : TO THE FUCKED UP WORLD> I dont like scientology. it : : sucks. OK SO LISTEN!!!! THe Flavored glass cleaning : : solution is perfect for those who like to drink their : : glass cleaners, but hate the feeling of their esophagus : : melting. Windex has been known to cause holes in your : : throat. WELL the solution has arrived, courtesy of Ronco! : : This edible solution not only wipes off smudges, but : : tastes like Peppermint too! It is a combination of Windex : : and Listerine, only it tastes better than Windex, and : : cleans better than Listerine! That's beatin' the : : competition. : : : : : : : : The Robin Williams Home Masturbation Device!(tm) Fitness : : guru Robin Williams, best known for his paintings Mona : : Lisa, Guernica, and Untitled, will be present at the : : Springfield Municipal Auditorium on June 6, 1944 to : : commemmorate a new statue dedicated to Elvis Presley at : : Cedar Park, Utah. This masturbation device fits : : comfortably around the pelvis and can be used by both men : : and women. Our choice of color please. : : : : : : : : Holed Condoms!(tm) These are authentic Trojan(tm) brand : : condoms with .25 mm holes poked all over it, enabling : : holes enough large enough for semen to leak out but not : : big enough to see!!! A classic prank to play on your : : buddies. Give it to the secretary and come home from the : : weekend pregnant. Imagine seeing the look on your golfing : : buddy's (who always beats you) face as he realizes he is : : HIV+. Don't let the good memories pass you up! : : : : : : : : Don't Step In the Cow Shit Sign!(tm) These wonderfully : : humorous novelty road signs feature a stick figure : : sticking in cow shit and cussing in anger with the BIG : : BLACK BOLD letters below it DONT STEP IN THE COW SHIT. : : Perfect for farms. Also perfect for suburban homes, : : because you wouldn't expect a cow there and it's kinda : : funny having a sign you don't need at your house. : : : : : : : : Today is Italy. Tomorrow is France. Tomorrow I dance in : : my underpants. How many times as that Ancient Rhyme (of : : the Mariner) been repeated? France-Underpants. : : Venus-Penis. Nantucket-Fuck it. Come on people, be : : original. Remember the 1980's Say No to Drugs campaigns? : : THEY SUCKED! Fuck all that I like being a pothead. Hooray : : for weed. Weed is all I need. : : : : : : : : So that is our paid corporate sponsor announcement. Yea : : that was long. But Ronco is financing my entire life If i : : mention them every 5 minutes to someone. That means i get : : free car, free house, free bills -- all for living out : : the rest of my life mentioning Ronco every 5 minutes. DO : : I HAVE IT MADE OR WHAT? This is the future of advertising : : - life dedication. I will also have a Ronco tattoo on my : : arm. Everyone will become advertisers for Ronco to : : satiate their monetary desires. Tell Ronco that : : You Want to Advertise for them TodaY! WWW.RONCO.COM! Yuh huh! : : Ronco is a representation of the Supreme Diety here on : : earth. LEt's discuss a nother matter. : : <b>By the way, the above was written while I was HIGH a couple of weeks ago. :) Yesterday and the day before I got high again. And tomorrow night I'm getting REALLY high. Oh, and I haven't even got around to drinking the two whole liters of whisky stored under my bed. :) Life is good, life is fun...but it isn't that for everyone (just me!).</b> : : -Cory

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