Point Two: The Giver

Two in Love
Living with Twos:

• Wants to be the central figure in your life. "I don't need you, but you depend on me."
• Learn to recognize the Two's manipulation tactics, complaints and guilt, for example. The Two will try to maneuver you into doing what he or she wants.
• Twos exert control while appearing to bend and to be subservient.
• Their heavy emphasis on relationship makes Twos vulnerable to rejection and loss.
• Encourage the Two to be authentic.
• Expect big emotions. Anger and rising hysteria are signals of unmet needs. Twos may not know what they want, but they can get hysterical if they don't get it.
• Be aware that short bursts of superficial feeling scatter concentration. Hysterical laughter, hyperactivity, and flirtations cover insecurity about the Two's own needs.
• Realize that sex or affection seem equal to love.
• Be sensitive to the Two's likely inexperience with real intimacy. Sexual and emotional feelings have been repressed in the interests of altering to attract attention. "I can please you, but what do I really feel for you?"
• Allay the underlying belief that personal will must lead to abandonment. The Two needs to be reassured that you will still love her or him even if the Two doesn't meet your every need.
• Beware: Twos are attracted to relationships with obstacles. Obstacles forestall having to face the confusion that surrounds an available, intimate relationship.
• Twos like to triangulate, to be attracted to some "great man" or inspiring woman ("muse") while being involved in a more available romace. That way they can hedge on commitment, not risk rejection so much.
• Don't be surprised when the Two starts fighting for freedom, feeling sold out by the habit of pleasing others, including or especially you. "I've served your needs, what about mine?" "Go take care of yourself!"
• Expect Twos to get angry when emerging real needs differ from their usual pleasing behavior.

Two at Work
In the Workplace:

• Takes own identity from authorities who can offer support. The right-hand man. The secretary who knows the secrets. The power behind the throne.
• Highly responsive to approval and encouragement. Crushed by disapproval.
• Keeps tabs on office interactions. The information pipeline, the party coordinator, the one who knows when invitations get sent.
• Associates with "worthwhile" people. Sidesteps those who aren't.
• Has complicated office strategies. Backs favorites. Often an unrecognized conflict between an ambition to be first and wanting to please.
• Works for the respect of important people in the field, the power elite. "Who do we know that will endorse our project?"
• Safety lies in pleasing authority. Fears opposing power alone.
• May choose work because it has value to a loved one.

Helen Palmer

The Enneagram in Love & Work:
Understanding Your Intimate & Business Relationships
HarperSanFrancisco, 1995, 417 pages