Point Three: The Performer

Three in Love
Living with Threes:

• Threes feel loved for their achievements, not for who they are.
• The Three frames the relationship as an "important task" that can be built.
• The Three expects appreciation from a mate for a winning image and style.
• Be aware of your Three's tendency to "do" feelings, for activity to replace affect, and to adopt the role of the perfect lover with a script of endearing things to say.
• Help your partner slow down activity related to intimacy long enough to be affected by intimate feelings.
• Your Three partner will be intolerant of "darker" emotions. Wants to tune out negative feedback. "Let's stay energetic and happy," "Let's do something together," "Let's have fun."
• If the Three partner takes responsibility for other people's "negative" feelings ("What should I do to make you happy?"), hold out the possibility that there is no quick solution to pain.
• Understand that your Three can readily confuse ideas about emotions with the real thing.
• And, as real feelings emerge, your Three can be in a quandary: "Do I have the right one? Am I doing this right? Tell me what I should feel."
• So Threes become especially anxious when activity is suspended and feelings begin to come forth.
• Three partners need to be assured that they are loved for themselves, not as the prototype of the perfect mate.
• A Three's heart is in his or her work. The Three will therefore need a strong push from a partner to take time away from work.

Three at Work
In the Workplace:

• Assumes own ability. The instant expert.
• Confuses real self and work role. "I am what I do."
• Takes on the image and feelings of a task. Prototype of the profession.
• The priority is to be efficient and save time, even if this means cutting corners. Takes the shortcut. Does several things at once. "Details later."
• Will stay on an expansionist track until the task is opposed, then parlay options for the biggest possible win.
• Feels rage when tasks and goals are interrupted. Anger is usually task specific.
• Values product over process. "How much did I produce?"
• Being respected for ability as a worker is more important than being liked.
• Machinelike achiever. Expects others to work in the same way.
• Projects a high-profile image -- credentials, social standing, "who's who."
• Exerts power over people; competes for leadership roles.
• Wants a clear path to success. Shoots for defined goals. Wants reward for effort. Intolerant of ambiguous returns.
• Pays selective attention to positive feedback. Image has to be maintained. Intolerant of criticism. Places responsibility elsewhere if failure occurs.
• Avoids failure. Switches tracks. Finds a presentation that works.
• Has difficulty telling the difference between being admired as a leader and being liked for himself or herself.

Helen Palmer

The Enneagram in Love & Work:
Understanding Your Intimate & Business Relationships
HarperSanFrancisco, 1995, 417 pages