The Romantic (the Four)

Romantics have a strong need to express themselves and to be seen as original.

Self-Preservation Fours: "Dauntless"

• I crave intensity and stimulation in order to feel alive and avoid the dullness and meaningless of a mundane existence.
• I am attracted to being close to birth, death, catastrophe, and serious illness.
• I have plunged into dangerous situations, for example, taking physical risks, breaking laws or rules, taking chances with my money, engaging in promiscuity, or entering into unhealthy relationships.
• I can be determined and persevering in pulling myself and others through crises.
• I rebel strenuously when people attack my ideals, tell me what to do, or try to change me. I may hurl sarcastic remarks or fly into a rage.
• I focus intently on my creative work or causes.
• I can see myself excluding everything else that is going on around me and ignoring the necessities of day-to-day survival while I pursue my goal.
• I like to point out angles that others have not thought of.
• I take great offense when people assume they know what I think and how I feel.

Relational Fours: "Competition and Envy"

• I envy people who seem happier, more fulfilled, or more intersting than I am, particularly those whose assets are similar to mine.
• When having problems in a relationship, I am more likely to become depressed than angry.
• I want my partner to experience our relationship as unique and intense.
• I'm attracted to what is distant and unattainable.
• I long, or have longed, for a soul mate or Prince or Princess Charming to come along and rescue me from an ordinary life.
• I frequently get my partner to leave, then try to win him or her back. This push and pull creates drama and pain, keeps renewing the distance I want, and gives me the feeling that I am in control.
• Getting close frightens me because my loved one might discover that I don't measure up to the ideal.
• I sometimes feel I'm not special enough to be truly loved.

Social Fours: "Shame"
Shame, as we use it here, means embarrassment, humiliation, and lack of self-respect.

• I feel ashamed of not measuring up to my vision of the ideal: not being bright or creative enough, not contributing to humanity, or not having a fulfilling relationship.
• I die over each mistake or faux pas I make.
• I often feel inadequate socially and either try to pour on charm and confidence or blend into the woodwork.
• I'm always analyzing myself: Did I make myself understood? Did I sound stupid? Was I too aggressive? Was I too conciliatory?
• I have dreams of achieving tremendous status and recognition in order to get revenge on those who have put me down or laughed at me.
• I am very sensitive to being shamed or slighted. It devastates me to be excluded from a gathering or event that acquaintances or friends are attending.
• Sometimes I say things against myself to try to deflect envy.
• I feel less awkward when I fill a definite position in the group by demonstrating that I'm an authority on something or by making a strong statement about who I am by the way I dress.

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

Are You My Type, Am I Yours?
Relationships Made Easy Through the Enneagram
HarperSanFrancisco, 1995, 184 pages