Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

Are You My Type, Am I Yours?
Relationships Made Easy Through the Enneagram
HarperSanFrancisco, 1995, 184 pages

The Perfectionist (the One)

Perfectionists see anger as a character flaw and repress it.

Self-Preservation Ones: "Worried and Anxious"

• Hardly a minute goes by when I'm not worrying about something: my finances, job security, the condition of the world, or little things such as what to buy for dinner.
• Changes in routine make me anxious.
• I may stay in an inappropriate or unsatisfying job for years rather than undergo the anxiety of looking for something new that I might like.
• I feel as if one error could ruin everything.
• I assess every last detail in advance in order to keep my life perfect and under control. When I finish worrying about myself, I worry about whether my loved ones are going to be safe and sound.
• I often imagine that someone is checking up on me or scrutinizing and criticizing everything I do.
• I frequently compare myself to other people, correct myself a lot, and apologize -- or feel that I should apologize.
• Sometimes I procrastinate because I'm afraid to make a mistake.

Relational Ones: "Insecure and Jealous"

• I tend to be overly possessive.
• I worry that my loved one will reject me for a more attractive or perfect person.
• I obsessively compare myself with others.
• When my partner or friend makes a positive comment about another person, such as, "He is a great cook," I get upset and think she means I am not a great cook.
• I feel ashamed and insecure when I experience boiling anger or jealousy. Sometimes I act overly enthusiastic or positive to cover up the feelings I think are improper.
• I become indignant when someone who doesn't deserve it gets honored or promoted or doesn't have to worry as much as I do about earning a Living.
• I like the intensity of being fully and passionately engaged with another person.
• I try to get my partner to meet my high standards and expectations in order to make him or her -- and our life together -- better.

Social Ones: "Adaptable or Unadaptable"

• Sometimes I defend what I believe in so adamantly, it puts me on the outs with people.
• There are times when I really want to reform something or someone, but I quietly simmer rather than rock the boat. It's important to try to get along.
• I've been accused of being unyielding, but I deliberate carefully and thoroughly in forming my opinions and can see no reason to change them.
• I believe in cooperation, but I will not go along with anything that is completely against my principles.
• When people don't perform up to my standards, I feel I must set them straight.
• I am drawn to groups that share my ideals, but sometimes I end up overworking because the others don't get things done right. I often feel resentful and have to leave.

The Helper (the Two)

Helpers are interested in people, play the role of nurturer, and try to present a loving image.

Self-Preservation Twos: "Deserving of Privelges"

• If I don't receive cards, gifts, or other signs of appreciation for being giving, devoted, and self-sacrificing, I feel devastated, hurt, and angry.
• I like to pamper myself. I often indulge in wonderful food treats, shopping excursions, special vacations, or other luxuries.
• I often spend more than I need to, but I can always justify it.
• I look for someone to support me financially and/or emotionally.
• I often feel young and needy but cover it up by acting helpful and strong.
• Helping my partner achieve his or her potential is gratifying and makes me feel important. It also spares me the risk of failure.
• Sometimes I feel I deserve preferential treatment because of all the things I have done for others.

Relational Twos: "Persistent and Seductive"

• I go after what I want. This applies to relationships as well as to other areas of my life.
• If I don't reach out to people, I feel that I may be overlooked or forgotten.
• I have perfected many skills to lure people I'm romantically interested in. I alter my personality, dress attractively, turn on charm, learn their likes and dislikes, and listen attentively to their every word.
• I long to have a close relationship, but I know from experience that I can lose myself this way.
• I often choose inappropriate or unavailable people, as this keeps me from having to face my fears of intimacy.
• I sometimes choose a partner I plan to improve, change, or bring out.
• I like the chase! I hook someone in and then discover if I like her or him.

Social Twos: "Ambitious"

• I like to make a difference in people's lives.
• I seek important roles; I like to be the leader or assistant to a powerful leader.
• Highly visible work can make me anxious because of the possibility I'll be embarrassed if I should fail in some way.
• I strive to be recognized and valued for my warmth, friendliness, and expertise.
• I try to seek approval by being charming, upbeat, competent, energetic, and by entertaining graciously in my home.
• I love getting compliments like, "I couldn't have done it without you."
• I'm ambitious for my partner and boss, but I resent their success when I have done much of their work.

The Achiever (the Three)

Achievers try to be seen in a good light, according to socially agreed-upon norms.

Self-Preservation Threes: "Security"

• Financial security is of the utmost importance to me.
• I need to keep physically fit and stay in good health.
• I continually learn new skills and keep up on the latest developments in my field in order to achieve and hang onto my career goals.
• I'm a good team player; I try to get along and stay away from conflict.
• I rarely take time off; when I go on vacations, I often take my work along.
• To me success doesn't necessarily mean being a leader or the center of attention. The person I'm trying to compete with and please is me.

Threes of this subtype are usually less extroverted and less concerned about image than the other two subtypes are and may be difficult to recognize as Threes.

Relational Threes: "Masculinity and Femininity"

• I try to impress the opposite sex with my charisma, success, sexiness, and strength.
• I have mastered the art of looking attractive.
• I pay great attention to what others find appealing and dress accordingly.
• I alter my behavior however I need to in order to keep my partner attracted to me.
• I want to be envied for having a great relationship with an admirable or prestigious person.
• I will avoid pursuing someone if there's a high chance of failing.
• I fear that people may want to reject me when they really get to know me.

Threes of this subtype often resemble the relational subtype of their Six arrow.

Social Threes: "Prestige"

• I am an energetic, efficient, and strong-minded leader. I motivate people to do a good job, find clever solutions to problems, and I keep my audience's attention.
• I am proud of my friendships with other successful and powerful people.
• The organizations I belong to provide me with good opportunities to further my success.
• I get along in groups that are very different from one another.
• The way I fit into such disparate groups is by changing my personality and attire to meet the situation.
• Credentials, titles, and degrees are important to me.
• Nothing would be worse than to be anonymous.
• As a thinking type, I tend to focus on the group's goals. As a feeling type, I try to maintain harmony among the members.

The Romantic (the Four)

Romantics have a strong need to express themselves and to be seen as original.

Self-Preservation Fours: "Dauntless"

• I crave intensity and stimulation in order to feel alive and avoid the dullness and meaningless of a mundane existence.
• I am attracted to being close to birth, death, catastrophe, and serious illness.
• I have plunged into dangerous situations, for example, taking physical risks, breaking laws or rules, taking chances with my money, engaging in promiscuity, or entering into unhealthy relationships.
• I can be determined and persevering in pulling myself and others through crises.
• I rebel strenuously when people attack my ideals, tell me what to do, or try to change me. I may hurl sarcastic remarks or fly into a rage.
• I focus intently on my creative work or causes.
• I can see myself excluding everything else that is going on around me and ignoring the necessities of day-to-day survival while I pursue my goal.
• I like to point out angles that others have not thought of.
• I take great offense when people assume they know what I think and how I feel.

Relational Fours: "Competition and Envy"

• I envy people who seem happier, more fulfilled, or more intersting than I am, particularly those whose assets are similar to mine.
• When having problems in a relationship, I am more likely to become depressed than angry.
• I want my partner to experience our relationship as unique and intense.
• I'm attracted to what is distant and unattainable.
• I long, or have longed, for a soul mate or Prince or Princess Charming to come along and rescue me from an ordinary life.
• I frequently get my partner to leave, then try to win him or her back. This push and pull creates drama and pain, keeps renewing the distance I want, and gives me the feeling that I am in control.
• Getting close frightens me because my loved one might discover that I don't measure up to the ideal.
• I sometimes feel I'm not special enough to be truly loved.

Social Fours: "Shame"
Shame, as we use it here, means embarrassment, humiliation, and lack of self-respect.

• I feel ashamed of not measuring up to my vision of the ideal: not being bright or creative enough, not contributing to humanity, or not having a fulfilling relationship.
• I die over each mistake or faux pas I make.
• I often feel inadequate socially and either try to pour on charm and confidence or blend into the woodwork.
• I'm always analyzing myself: Did I make myself understood? Did I sound stupid? Was I too aggressive? Was I too conciliatory?
• I have dreams of achieving tremendous status and recognition in order to get revenge on those who have put me down or laughed at me.
• I am very sensitive to being shamed or slighted. It devastates me to be excluded from a gathering or event that acquaintances or friends are attending.
• Sometimes I say things against myself to try to deflect envy.
• I feel less awkward when I fill a definite position in the group by demonstrating that I'm an authority on something or by making a strong statement about who I am by the way I dress.

The Observer (the Five)

Observers rely on their own resources and find safety in knowledge and/or withdrawing.

Self-Preservation Fives: "My Home is My Castle"

• I need to live in a private place where I can comcentrate; I want no expectations, intrusions, demands, questions, coercion, or noise.
• I try to keep my life simple.
• The more time I spend with people, the more drained I become.
• It would bog me down to have a lot of belongings; I need easy access to books and other information though.
• I have a tendency to save; I protect both my time and my money.
• I am self-reliant; it rarely occurs to me to seek help or advice.
• I dislike owing or being owed anything.

Some of the most introverted of all the nine types are of this subtype.

Relational Fives: "Confidences"

• My close relationships often involve sharing secrets such as inside information with a colleague, a piece of forbidden knowledge about someone, or a made-up language with a friend or lover.
• Keeping things to myself can give me a feeling of excitement and power; I have taken revenge by not telling something that I knew people wanted to know.
• I don't want my partner to discuss our relationship or private business without consulting me first.
• I like to have interesting conversations, although I rarely initiate them with people I don't know; as a thinking type, I tend to discuss logistics, scientific matters, or mechanics; as a feeling type, I am more likely to discuss literature, the arts, or psychology.
• I especially value the people I know who respect my boundaries.
• I know I look aloof, but I'm often very involved with what is going on as an observer. I find this more comfortable than having to be a part of the action, where I might feel inadequate or put on the spot.
• Expressing my feelings sensually is very importatnt to me, because this gets me out of my head and into my body.
• When I'm alone with my feelings, they seem quite clear; but when I try to express them to my partner and close friends, I can't find the right words.

Social Fives: "Recognition and Hierarchy"

• I prefer to work in a flexible, unstructured way and to set my own goals.
• I like either to be self-employed or to have a safe nook in the hierarchy of a university or company where I can be relatively autonomous.
• Rules and regulations often get in my way.
• When I do high-quality work, I like praise from people who matter to me, but I don't usually ask for it.
• Either I attend meetings in order to pick up knowledge and meet interesting people, or I avoid groups and organizations altogether.
• As an extrovert, I like overt attention for my ideas and contributions, As an introvert, I am usually satisfied by having my work known and my name respected but am embarrassed by showy accolades.
• I love to dig out information and find out what the experts in my field, and in other fields, have to say.

Social Fives usually appear more extroverted than other Fives.

The Questioner (the Six)

Questioners try to control their fear through vigilance, approval of authority figures, or through rebelling against authority.

Self-Preservation Sixes: "Ingratiating"
Those in the self-preservation subtype are sometimes referred to as warm Sixes because of their friendliness.

• I am responsible, loyal, and witty. I try to make sure that people like me because then I feel protected.
• I love opportunities to prove that I stand by my friends. The bonus is they'll stand by me when I need it.
• I evaluate carefully how authority figures perceive me so I can stay in, or get back in, their good graces.
• I can't help trying to be cordial, even when I'm angry with someone.
• I have many worries and doubts and look to others for assurance and protection.
• I analyze every ramification of every action I'm about to take in order not to make mistakes or to jeopardize my safety.
• I need to have a safe house and to feel protected from the outer world.

Relational Sixes: "Strength and Beauty"

• I am very energetic and competitive. I work hard to achieve my goals.
• I try to make myself strong (physically or intellectually) and attractive (sexually or aesthetically).
• I need to be sure either that people know me and care about me and will come to my aid, or that I am capable of defending myself.

Relational Sixes, especially males, are usually counterphobic and resemble Eights in many ways.

Social Sixes: "Duty"

• I'm in constant dialogue with a committee I carry around in my head. It's based on voices of authority from my family, school, and church. When I'm making a decision, I will refer to this committee to verify that I'm doing the right thing.
• I am loyal to those within my family or group and skeptical of outsiders.
• I either try to be conscientious and follow the rules or test and break them, preferably with the support of coconspirators.
• When those in charge tell me what to do, I either feel relived that the responsibility for the decision has been taken off my shoulders, or I become annoyed.
• It is not safe to depend on any one individual. I'd rather put my trust and support in a group or a cause.
• I am anxious about promotions. I want to succeed, but I worry about having serious responsibilities. I am also reluctant to take on a highly visible role where I might be ridiculed or criticized, as I do to my superiors.
• I have idealized a leader or a boss and later felt disillusioned.
• I can work untiringly for a cause I believe in.

The Adventurer (the Seven)

Adventurers are active and optimistic. They avoid unpleasant emotions, including fear.

Self-Preservation Sevens: "Family and Like-Minded Friends"
Self-preservation Sevens tend to be more family oriented than the other subtypes.

• I like having a home base where we share values and interests and provide a network of support for each other.
• I often take the role of keeping people entertained and happy.
• Planning for and reminiscing about an adventure is usually at least as thrilling as the adventure itself.
• I prefer my friends to be positive, as I am.
• I like to be spontaneous, but I also plan ahead to make sure I will see my friends and not miss out on anything.
• When I take risks, they are usually measured rather than reckless.
• I spend a lot of time in and around my house.

Relational Sevens: "Excitement"

• I like challenge and action.
• Sometimes I push things to the edge or step on people's toes.
• I prefer whatever is unusual, intense, complex, or aesthetically pleasing.
• Sometimes I am seductive without meaning to be and get more entangled than I had intended.
• I pursue fascinating people and adventures.
• When a relationship loses its charge, I may romanticize the person to avoid boredom, or, if I feel trapped, I back away.
• I can become upset over the discrepancy between the ideal relationship and reality.
• It makes me unhappy if my partner doesn't fully experience excitement and adventure with me.

Social Sevens: "Impatient vs. Idealistic"

• I can see myself risking my life for a principle or cause I believe in.
• Sometimes I'm slow to act on my good intentions, especially when I would have to give up some freedom.
• I try to stifle my longings for adventure and put responsibilities to my family, career, or a cause first.
• I don't like the burden of feeling responsible for the people around me.
• I like companionship and brotherhood, but I can't stand it when anyone tries to control or coerce me.
• I can be impatient. I want to take action right now instead of wasting time bickering about procedures.
• Inequality among people upsets me. I wish there didn't have to be pecking orders.
• I have a large circle of friends.
• I like to keep up on what is new in the community.

The Asserter (the Eight)

Asserters are powerful and not afraid to express their anger.

Self-Preservation Eights: "Satisfactory Survival"

• I keep myself supplied with plenty of food, comforts, and emergency supplies.
• Independence and security are very important to me; I don' want to rely on others for money or anything else.
• I get out of sorts when the details of my life are not in order and when access to what I am used to or want is cut off.
• A main theme in my life is protection -- of myself, of my belongings, and of others.
• I feel safer when I sit where I can observe everything going on in the room.
• I try to make certain that no one will sneak up or intrude upon me.

Relational Eights: "Possession and Surrender"
Relational Eights, especially males, are the most excessive of all the subtypes.

• I am too assertive for some. I prefer high energy and intensity to the deadness of the comfort zone.
• My needs to possess and surrender are interwoven. I can be soft and vulnerable if I trust the person I am with, yet I never completely lose the impulse to command.
• I'm often in conflict about wanting a partner who needs to be taken care of versus wanting one I respect who will stand his or her ground against me.
• One way to get on my bad side is to neglet to consult me or ask my opinion about a matter that directly or indirectly involves me.
• It irritates me when people withhold their emotions or thoughts from me, espeially when we are trying to work through a problem.
• I am attracted to people who are direct and who are not allergic to confrontation.
• I feel closer to my partner when we fight, beause fighting brings out the truth, but constant arguing can burn me out of a relationship.
• I take precautions to make sure that no one tries to pull a power play on me or threaten my relationship.

Social Eights: "Friend or Foe?"

• I can't let my guard down until I know where I stand and that I'm respected.
• I test my friends for their loyalty. Once trust is firmly established, I usually stay in friendships for life.
• When in a group, I focus on who else has power in order to maintain my authority.
• I will go to bat for my friends and the weaker members of the community, but I want them to try to develop self-reliance and get back on their feet again.
• I try to be loyal and work problems out, but if someone walks over the line and betrays my trust, I may cut him or her out of my life forever.
• I love the excitement of a righteous struggle for truth or fairness.
• I usually take the role of protector in a group and make sure that justice is upheld.

The Peacemaker (the Nine)

Peacemakers are accomodating and are often out of touch with their anger.

Self-Preservation Nines: "Appetite"

• I am very attached to my rituals of watching TV, reading, working on my computer, sleeping extra long, going to movies, and so on, and I feel anxious when anything interferes with them.
• I tend to neglect important tasks and responsibilities and focus on my habits instead.
• Food is prime in my life. Sometimes I use it to numb out, distract myself, and cover up my feelings.
• I like to collect objects and information.
• Sometimes I have trouble throwing things away because I can't decide which really matter to me.
• I try to meet my own needs by keeping my home, car, office, or purse supplied with whatever I might want.

Relational Nines: "Union"

• I like the feeling of being in union with a lover, family member, friend, mentor, famous person, guru, pet, nature, or the divine.
• When not in a relationship, I usually feel melancholy and yearn to be.
• I try to make my partner happy, both to avoid conflict and because his or her happiness will rub off on me.
• I am usually so focused on my companion that I fail to notice what is going on with me.
• When my partner places demands on me, I either become stubborn, go away emotionally, or go along so as not to make waves.
• I often blame others for things that are not right with my life.
• Sometimes I long to be more independent and discover my own priorities, desires, and aliveness.
• I can stay with my own feelings best when I have an open expanse of time alone.

Social Nines: "Participation/Nonparticipation"

• In adddition to wanting to further causes, I join groups in order to structure my time, to soak up energy and become enlivened, to see how I can best fit in, and to discover where to direct myself.
• Though I gravitate toward groups, I sometimes feel ambivalent about whether I really want to belong.
• If someone becomes bossy or unpleasant, I often can't find the words to speak out, and I become stubborn or withdrawn instead.
• I often stay on the fringe. This keeps me from having to commit myself fully and from having to participate in conflicts.
• I bring my mediating skills and my ability to build consensus to groups.
• I often take the role of caretaker due to my tendency to want to be all things to all people. Since I automatically become involved in whatever floats by, I pick up nuances from others; but I'm slow to pick up and express what I myself feel.