Posted by heatherb on May 01, 2000 at 07:28:44:
In Reply to: Childhood Message posted by Emily on April 30, 2000 at 17:06:58:
: Anyway, do you fours have problems with feeling guilty if you're happy in life? I know I do, and I often want to hide it from my mom.
Emily, that's really interesting!
I can relate to the Type 4 message "It is not ok to be too functional or too happy." I know I received that message from my parents -- but not so much unconsciously! Very directly. I bet they even said that exact phrase at some point in time! But I'd replace "OK" with "normal"...
The funny thing is that it hasn't made me not be able to share happy or good things with my parents, because when i tell them, they simply are in awe, because they think it's not normal! Like too good to be true. It actually makes me want to tell them because I know they will be surprised! For them, well, especially my dad, the "normal" state is to be tortured and dwelling and struggling... It's almost like a matter of pride for him. And it has made me always feel guilty, in general, to feel happy, to feel ok with myself... because it can't be normal! His phrase is "to be great is to be misunderstood"... so he logically feels that good people get a bad deal in life...!
And then, my mom is more like your mom -- no matter what might be going on in my life that I am happy about, or feel optimistic about, well, she makes sure I have a "back-up plan", she can't let me get too excited about it. But I see it as being realistic, and it doesn't make me feel bad. It's good to have people to kind of put you in double-check, or what's it But I do get very frustrated when she gets on her "reality check" roll, and simply has some comment to bring me down to earth when I'm flying...!
But overall, my parents haven't given me the Type 4 message in a negative way... I remember an "expect the best, prepare for the worst" type message... Which to me meant thinking I deserved to be happy, to get what I wanted, but that in the real world I probably wouldn't get it. And then, whenever I DID or DO get it, I am EXTEMELY happy because I was prepared not to :)
So, thinking more about the guilt part, it's something I have always had... and I can't say where it came from, or that it's a result of a message received from my parents... As much as I look back and think about it and analyze it, I don't see anything my parents told me that could have make me feel guilty. I simply have this innate feeling in me of guilt. It's always been there. (And I don't know why!!! :(()
My parents always made me believe (or tried to) that I deserved the best... but I always thought they were wrong, and were just trying to make me feel better. I mean, I believed they could not be objective because they were my parents... I still believe it actually. It's that sense of being defective and unworthy, just because.
So... I don't know!!
As I just rambled on and wrote about it this, I'm seeing that maybe I don't actually relate to the "It is not ok to be too functional or too happy" message, because my parents never made me feel bad about being happy...
I just feel guilty no matter what.
Hmmm.....
This is VERY interesting... and I could ramble on and on so I'd better stop!!!
heatherb