Posted by Erin on June 22, 1999 at 18:15:02:
Hi,
I just found this board today. I was just glancing through some of the posts here when I came across a few of your's, dealing with being a recent college grad and an actor. I, too, am 23, and graduated from college last spring with a major in Theatre Arts. All my life I've wanted to act. I've always been complemented and told I am talented, and (at the risk of sounding conceited) I don't question that I have talent. But being talented isn't enough for me--I still feel very inadequate.
I am a 4 with 6 and 5 following closely behind, and am INTJ. I'm relatively new to the whole Ennegram concepts, and never thought of myself as a "Romantic", but I've always believed I was an Individualist and an Artist. And more and more, I see myself as a dreamer--never able to bring my ideas into practice. Wishful thinking. Never really in the moment.
Being out of college for a full year now has been terribly hard on me. I haven't done any acting and I won't even go see plays in the city because I find it too painful to see others succeeding at what they love and my inability to be up there on the stage with them. I've grown increasingly depressed and despondent in life. I definitely feel torn between doing what others want me to do (what's "best" for me) and doing what I truly love. Right now, I work as an administrative assistant for a very small company and it's basically a dead-end job. I always told myself I'd never work a regular 8-to-5 job like my parents, and yet here I am!
I've always felt like an outsider. I'm the youngest of four and my family has moved around a lot. I went to 9 different schools by the time I graduated from high school! I was picked on most of my childhood because of my weight. And I still have major self-esteem issues and am very overweight--which infringed on my ability to get good roles in plays. I was (and am still) constantly reminded by others (parents, acting coach, friends) that my weight is a hinderance to my future success. I agree, but it really hurts to be constantly reminded that I don't measure up. I have also always felt 'behind', or unable to keep up with others. I got my driver's license at age 19, put off college for a year, was younger than most of my schoolmates up through high school, first boyfriend after high school...and that didn't last long. I feel unable to 'connect' to most people--with the exception of my very best friend, Joaquin. I avoid true intimacy and feel unworthy of true love and relationships. I almost would rather have my fantasy love life.
I have a deep passion for astrology, tarot, numerology, spiritual issues (although not religious). And I would be very interested in learning what your astrological sign is (as well as anyone else's who sees this message). Myself--I'm a Virgo, my rising sign is also in Virgo and my moon is in Aquarius.
I am starting therapy next week, to my great relief. I had contemplated therapy for about two years now (more so during more emotional times than others), but was very scared of 'giving over', and thus not being totally self-sufficient. But it is obvious to me that I can no longer 'pretend' to be able to solve my own problems.
I'm sorry for going on and on, but it's nice to see other people with similar issues, and in your case, Jason, it seems like we have several things in common.
Please respond when you get a chance. Thanks!
Erin