Posted by Hal on June 30, 1999 at 08:43:27:
In Reply to: A friend needs help posted by Diarmuid on June 30, 1999 at 06:05:36:
: I have a 4w3 friend who is, obviously, going down the tubes fast.
: We went to the same graduate school, and ended up working in the same field.
: He isn't doing too well with women right now. He hasn't been with anyone for about 2 years, since college.
: Since then, he's gained a lot of weight. He always refuses when we ask him to come out with us. He just stays at home, vegging out with TV sports and beer, taking no real exercise.
: He's quite a talented musician, and he never stops saying he's gonna buy a 4-track recording system. As soon as he gets that system he's really gonna get the creativity going... but he has to save up the money first.
: He's on a really good salary, he only owes money to his Dad (who would gladly let him off the debt to see him happy). After 8 months he still can't afford the system, (which costs less than a week's salary).
: His younger brother has come to visit him twice this year. By chance I was present both times. He's still at college, slim & goodlooking with a nice girlfriend. The first time he was in a really foul temper, often snapping at his little brother for small mistakes. The second time, 2 weeks ago he was in a blind rage, walking around in his underwear, muttering to himself, kicking stuff, talking to nobody.
: As a 4w5, I'm able to be objective; observing and assessing my friend's condition (with an insight into the 4ish nature). But I care about my friend, and I worry that he may be considering the S-word.
: All thoughts needed here
: He is drinking an adopted child
I'm sorry to hear about your friend, Diarmuid, and I wish I had more advice for you. I can think of a lot of things that WON'T help him, but not too many that will.
Pushing him won't help; he'll just get defensinve, and most likely blame his problems on others (including you for criticizing and making hime feel inadequate.) Telling hime to get off his butt and do something also won't help.
What he needs is just for people to be there for him, and to listen to him without offering criticism or advice. Right now, he doesn't feel loved or worthy of love and happiness; I know because I've been there, and still struggle with the same feelings. If he feels that he doesn't even deserve to succeed, he won't try; and he wouldn't accept or be able to handle success even if it came right now.
The fact that he's drinking leads me to believe that he needs professional help and support. He probably needs more time and energy that you can provide for him. Also, groups are immensely helpful, so if you could somehow get him to try AA, or even any other support/spiritual group, I believe it would be the best thing for him. But again, he can't be pushed into this and won't go until he's ready.
- Hal -