Re: A friend needs help

Posted by Amanda :) on June 30, 1999 at 12:51:46:

In Reply to: A friend needs help posted by Diarmuid on June 30, 1999 at 06:05:36:

: I have a 4w3 friend who is, obviously, going down the tubes fast.
: We went to the same graduate school, and ended up working in the same field.
: He isn't doing too well with women right now. He hasn't been with anyone for about 2 years, since college.
: Since then, he's gained a lot of weight. He always refuses when we ask him to come out with us. He just stays at home, vegging out with TV sports and beer, taking no real exercise.
: He's quite a talented musician, and he never stops saying he's gonna buy a 4-track recording system. As soon as he gets that system he's really gonna get the creativity going... but he has to save up the money first.
: He's on a really good salary, he only owes money to his Dad (who would gladly let him off the debt to see him happy). After 8 months he still can't afford the system, (which costs less than a week's salary).
: His younger brother has come to visit him twice this year. By chance I was present both times. He's still at college, slim & goodlooking with a nice girlfriend. The first time he was in a really foul temper, often snapping at his little brother for small mistakes. The second time, 2 weeks ago he was in a blind rage, walking around in his underwear, muttering to himself, kicking stuff, talking to nobody.
: As a 4w5, I'm able to be objective; observing and assessing my friend's condition (with an insight into the 4ish nature). But I care about my friend, and I worry that he may be considering the S-word.
: All thoughts needed here

: He is drinking an adopted child

Hi there Diarmuid :)

At the risk of stating the obvious....have you asked him what is bothering him? And, if so, have you let him know that you are willing to listen if he wants to talk about it?

I agree with Hal that forcing the issue would be a mistake - people, as you are no doubt well aware, do things in their own time....and are all the more prone to get their backs up if pushed when they're not ready.

There is no doubt in my mind that your friend is in some kind of trouble. Given the fact that he is a 4, I can see why you would be concerned about suicide as well. He is showing all sorts of glaring signs that all is not well.

If you've tried talking to him and it didn't work, maybe a letter expressing your concern and offering a friendly ear may help. For many, this feels like an uncomfortable and out-of-the-ordinary approach, but it is a good way to let him know that someone cares in a non-threatening way. In any case, it sounds serious enough that you need to do *something*. I'd hate for you to have to go through what I did when a friend of mine killed himself. I KNEW something was wrong, and tried (unsuccessfully) to talk to him about it - but let my own discomfort at his lack of response stop me from doing more about it. Having said that, I don't feel responsible for actions that he chose - but am still left with the feeling that I could have taken that one step further and it might have made a difference. Now, I'll never know....

I wish you the best - you sound like you are a good friend and I think he's lucky to have someone like you who cares.

Smiles
Amanda :)

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• Thanks Diarmuid 13:41:42 6/30/99 (0)

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