The reinforcements have arrived! Life is good!

Posted by Ev on July 10, 1999 at 21:11:44:

In Reply to: And now for my take on it.... posted by Amanda :) on July 10, 1999 at 10:57:05:

: : Hi there Ev,
: : Sorry, but been there, done that :). And not just for a short amount of time either, unfortunatly. Thats what makes this 'journey' a rough ride. Even though I think I'm doing everything I can.....you get the message. I've certainly learned a lot about myself in the process, but I'd like to see some improvement too :). I havent given up on 'the process', but on hearing that there are some people here who share the same 'issues' that I do, I thought it might help to put some good brains together.
: : Thanks,
: : Howie

: Hi Howie :)

: OK....so you've done the therapy thing - good for you - although it's always good to be reminded that you can always go back whenever you feel that it might be helpful. I spent about 6+ years in pretty intensive therapy myself - and still go back for a session every now and then (twice in the last 5 years - to give you an idea) just to double-check that I'm not missing something important. It's not that I don't trust my own judgement - I do - but I feel that it's just good ol' fashioned common sense to go to someone I trust - who can act as a sounding board - and who can give me an entirely objective opinion, and is unafraid to challenge my thinking or reasoning. I also know many people who have tried therapy for a time and then dropped out. Some couldn't relate well with the therapist and never tried anyone else ( I went through 5 until I found 'the one' I could work with), some got so far and didn't have the courage to continue, some were *so* confronted by the process that they became increasingly defensive and left the whole thing behind saying it was all 'bunkem', and some went as far as they felt they could go at the time and have gone back, sometimes years later, to finish the process. As for me? I'll never say never again....because I don't know what's ahead, so I'll just make the best judgement call I can as things unfold.

: By the way, I'm a 4 through and through - and I positively identified with both parents, so Riso's 'childhood origins' theories have a few cracks....be warned.

: So....having said all that....let's get down to the 'numb' thing. After all the therapy, I'm still good at it too! (See how much we have in common? :) I'm sure it's like a reflex - particularly when it's one's usual way of protecting oneself against anything painful....a great survival mechanism when you really think about it. I USED to take months or even years before I could feel the associated feelings....now, the time lapse is MUCH smaller....hours or days at worst. The trick is to NOT beat yourself up about it - it's a useless exercise anyway - like beating yourself up over the fact that you have blue eyes or whatever....accept it as a part of who you are at this time in your life....it really *is* OK, OK? The next step is to allow the feelings to come....as they unfold....at whatever pace they come. The REAL pitfall we 4's often fall into is to equate ourselves with the feelings, though. So, for instance, if we feel bad - then we *are* bad....NOT TRUE! The feelings are there simply to tell us something - not to become the sum total of our existence. They are one of many indicators to take into account when facing a situation.

: We are also prone to a certain intensity of feelings too - and we need to be just as wary of the intensity as we are of the numbness. Personally, I've developed a degree of scepticism where both are concerned and usually take them 'under advisement' so to speak. By this, I mean that I acknowledge the existance of either the numbness or the intensity - and allow myself some 'breathing room' to think things through before going off half-cocked. It never was a pretty sight anyway! In this way, I have been able to tackle even the most problematic of situations in a way that I can live with - most of the time, at least. After all....I'm just trying to get along like the rest of the planet.

: Even now, as I'm going through one of the most difficult times I've had to face - I've gone from numb to relieved to angry to sad to happy and back again....and I'm still here :) As each thing unfolds, I just 'go with the flow' and let it out....cry when the tears come....give voice to my anger....laugh every opportunity I get....get my budget done/pay the bills/do some housework when I'm numb (numb is good that way :)....the point is that I've given myself permission to be however I am. You might try to do the same.

: Hope some of this is useful....if not, treat it all with a grain of salt....in the meantime - be kind to yourself and smile at least once a day. It's good for your soul :)

: smiles
: Amanda :)

Yea!!! The reinforcements found us Howie! I was fixing to start telling you things I tried that didn't work just so you'd think we 4's were in your corner. I presume you've already tried your fair share of things that went nowhere so I'll spare you. For my money I'd listen to Amanda because she's been to the rodeo a time or two herself and knows what she's talking about.

Ev

Follow Ups:

• Thanks :) and more..... Howie 19:47:55 7/11/99 (1)
  • Walking the walk..... Amanda :) 15:16:10 7/14/99 (0)

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