Re: need someplace to be...

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: i empathise with you, but at the same time i don't know how it is for you to deal with many of your problems. It seems every 4 has a different tragic story to tell. I have the same problem with my dad, in that i can't relate or connect to him. It's different to your problem, but it's the same in the way that i can't connect. I often don't have any feelings towards him, yet at times i feel sorry for him and the life he went through. He was on the receiving end, not of alcoholism, but gambling (in that his father had the gambling problem). So in a respect, he has been in a similar situation as you. In this way, i can't relate to you, but i can in that i know how i feel about how he feels (if that makes sense). I know when my dad is a lot older, i am going to be trying to connect to him, and i know (as i have tried in the past) how terribly difficult it will be. I applaud you for being able to hug him, something i can definately not do, and will always find difficult. As far as feeling nothing towards him, i don't know, maybe you still hold many of your negative feelings towards him. But he is your father, and we all love our fathers in some way. Maybe you can try to find out what you love in your dad, because there is always something. Otherwise you wouldn't have been able to hug him and feel that connection which had always been there. : I think you will grow through this, and in this you will become a better person, a 'healthier' 4 even. But... I am dealing with the many difficulties of my 4 infancy, so i may not be the best person to take advice from. The other 4's seem to have grown a lot more than me at the moment, they are probably a lot more knowledgeable. I still hope you may have found something in my post useful. : Take it easy : Kramer : : : I know I don't think things through enough and I don't know if I ought to post this here or on the care board..but I need someplace to just let my feelings out and I don't know what to do. : : I've been trying so hard to grow and learn and I just don't see how I've done any of it, I either am so totally withdrawn, or I'm angry and critical..and I do all the things unhealthy 4's are supposed to do..in spades : : My father is dying of cancer, and more than just be alone I am alone with this feeling.. God knows I've tried to be more open and emotive and accessible.. : : I blame him for all my problems of not being able to make friends and be assertive and feel good about myself. I don't know why this has to be this way. I always felt frightened, by him, by his alcholism, by his rage.. It wasn't right the way he behaved, but I've worked hard and haven't healed myself. I just shout and scream inside trying harder to get out..and I can't. : : Now he's dying, and my mother says how much of a shock this must be..and I don't feel anything, and I hate not feeling anything because that worries me that something is wrong with me. Something's always wrong with me.. : : How capable everybody seems, and I just keep slipping into my hole again and again, as though growing up were prohibited on me.. : : This man never spoke to us. He wanted to drink and watch television and I hated him for that, for making me feel so worthless growing up, as he and my mom yelled at each other.. and I felt so confused. He didn't talk to us. Now I can't talk to anybody and i can't figure it out. : : What am I supposed to feel? : : I hugged him today, just so you know.. I did my best, to show him how far I had come.. because I genuinely just felt a true connection with him, and I know him.. and one on one, between him and me, with his alcohol unplugged and t.v. not blaring.. I just saw him as a person losing weight rapidly.. he may not recover. : : I tried to be strong. Damn it, why does my older brother get to act like a fucking idiot but I have to be the one to be responsible??? I asked him what he wanted me to do. He said to call Mama once in a while, and keep in touch with Sven, my brother, because he likes that. And then he started to cry, and that's when I hugged him and tried to show him I really am not afraid of these things. I am a wimp, I can't stand loud noises. But I understand some things about life. : : But when later I was shopping with my mother and she started talking I just felt like I had lost everybody. She doesn't see, doesn't understand why I don't have friends, why I feel so afraid. But she knows my father got drunk every night, yelled at her, wouldn't speak to me at all. I don't know what to feel. I've tried to explain to her, I don't know what the root of my problems are, probably me, but that the way I grew up, with both a father and an older brother heavy alcoholics, bursting with rage at everybody..how difficult that was for me, and seeing that I was a smart young child that it might have something to do with what's troubling me today. : : I don't know. Maybe none of that is true. I know I have a lonely drive back to Washington D.C. tonight--I'm driving at night because it's too lonely to sit in a hotel room and I won't fall asleep.. I've got an 8 hour drive ahead of me.. : : I only want to feel and have friends, and it's hardest thing in the world for me. Maybe I'll never have that, because I am oversensitive to things that are considered 'normal' in this world. Well, I don't know what I'll do, then. : : I just needed someplace to share before I drive home. : : Everything confuses me so much..

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