Posted by Ev on July 30, 2000 at 15:09:34:
In Reply to: Writer's block posted by Amanda :o on July 30, 2000 at 14:45:04:
so it's not surprising that you have such strong emotions over being separated from your daughter. It could be that your avoidance of putting the words and music together has to do with the finality of the process through which you deal with life's tragedies. Could it be that you feel that if you finish the song you'll have somehow crossed a bridge over which there's no return? I'm just guessing at what may be going on in your mind but this seems to be a possibility.
Amy will ALWAYS be your daughter and will ALWAYS love you. If you allow yourself to let go, just a bit, of self-recriminations and KNOW that you're a good mother, even though circumstances have separated you, then you'll be able to move on. It'll never be painless and things will never be just like they were but then life is all about change and how we deal with it. You can choose, in typical 4 fashion, to wallow in misery - and I couldn't blame you - or you can choose to find something positive about this turn of events. I hope that you choose to find the positive.
Ev
: Evening all :)
: OK, so it's after 4am late Sunday night (so technically it's Monday morning, but that's not the point) - and I'm having a crisis.
: I'm trying to write a song and I can't get it out. That may not sound like that much of a big deal to you, but I'm a professional songwriter - so it's a very big f~*^!ing deal to me! I workshop high school kids to write songs as a part of my living for God's sake, and I can't even write one of my own..and this song is REALLY important to me. If it sounds like I'm freaking out, that's only because I AM!
: I've had the idea for this particular song floating around in the netherlands of my mind for weeks now - ever since my daughter went to live with her dad. I've done everything I know how to cope - but still I spend so many nights just crying. Anyway, a friend called me late a couple of nights ago and caught me upset. He said he was calling because he was worried about me, that he'd noticed how often this sort of night was happening - and when I was going to pull my finger out and write the song. He knows, as does anyone close to me, that I can't seem to really deal with something painful until I've expressed it in a song. And he's absolutely right, you know. It's what I've always done. Back in the days when I wasn't able to cry (I used to throw up instead..charming, eh?) I used to express myself through song. I would get to a point where I felt I would burst if I didn't express myself somehow - and music was something that occupied most of my waking hours - so it was a natural progression, really....I just sort of fell into it.
: I know I'm rambling here and I'm sorry, if you'll just bear with me while I try to get this out right. You see, the problem is that now I'm blocked. I spent last night and some time tonight finishing off the words - and it was really really emotionally exhausting. I can't stress this enough. I mean, I cried so much I gave myself a headache. Tonight, I finally got on to the piano (that was a real effort too, I had so much resistance) and then I started playing the saddest music - it just kind of flowed from my fingers.
: Now, I can't seem to get the two together, and I don't mean that they don't go together. I mean that I can't bring myself to try them together. They may not even go together. How do I explain this? ALWAYS, whenever I've been writing a song, I can either imagine the music behind the words, or I can imagine the words going with the music. Tonight, I'm somehow numb to it. I can read the words, and they evoke the emotion I'm trying to convey. I hear the music - and IT evokes the emotion I'm trying to convey....but I can't hear that music and think those words all at the same time....
: This must sound so lame