Posted by Julian on August 01, 2000 at 19:22:53:
In Reply to: Re: well.. posted by cj on July 31, 2000 at 13:34:28:
I didn't know you were a woman. Anyway, when I see the words "heart and soul" near the word "music" my heart jumps. Of course, what I mean by music no one can get because they all think a song has to be chord/melody/verse yada yada yada whatever..
I still think people that claim they found "clarity" are really just those that have chosen to put their blinders on full..
J
: : You know, it is so incredibly hard to produce what you think nobody wants to hear, see, or whatever. I always felt (until maybe two or three years ago) that I was this unacceptable person because I am so different...a strong woman, dress outrageously at times, am unapologetically opinionated about certain things...and in this culture, I haven't exactly felt like I am the "Ideal Woman". This was very painful and hard for me for years ("nobody will ever love me"), until I realized how very little I actually cared about or admired the opinions of the majority of "normal" people. All of this blathering is meant to encourage you to do exactly what is in your heart and soul as far as music, because really, the normal people who like music that isn't "bizarre", are not the people you admire, are they? Do what you like, feel passionate about. It really will free you.
: Clarity, by the way, has nothing to do with "less potential". It's growth Julian, it is achieving your potential...
: love and light, cj
: : These days I start getting more feelings of clearness, but I wonder if that's just age having its effect..the less potential you have in your life, the more you settle..sure, things get a lot clearer then..
: : I remember asking for help many times, to the response of "you're probably stuck like that (my father)" and "just do something different! (mother)". Didn't get me anyplace, needless to say.. I did feel a commonality in your being compelled to creativity, but maybe that's not as strong a connection as I thought.. I thought for sure when I hit 16, 17, music was it, and it's never happened.. I also think my music is quite bizarre and I really feel strongly that no one wants to hear you in this country unless you are following a clearly delineated music path.. It sucks, and has scared me completely out of doing any of it, though I would have loved to put on shows, etc. if I thought people were acceptable of it. I don't know, s'probably just a cop out on my part..
: : Anyway, I guess I wanted to mention that I, too can't believe I survived somehow. Not at the ridiculous levels of pain I got. The only difference between you and I that I can see is that I don't think it made any difference..
: : J
: : : I'm glad you read and appreciated my post Julian. It's been such a huge struggle for me, in many ways I feel I've raised myself to be this person I always wanted to be, and sometimes I'm stunned that I survived. A few years after my father's death I became really depressed, hopeless, and suicidal...the only thing that saved me at that time was my fury at my mother (whose response to my plea for help was: "Aren't there some social services where you live, you obviously need help and I can't help you.") and this sense of absurdity over how ridiculously bad my life had become. Thankfully I was able to make it, and though the next ten years were extremely difficult at times, I feel as though I've come to a place where I'm stronger and clearer than I ever imagined possible. The struggles I've been through have created in me a deep well of empathy for those in pain, and also a faith in my ability to live and enjoy the beauty of life no matter the circumstance.
: : : I too am working very hard on unleashing my creativity (through writing) and have been doing it daily for about eight months. It has helped me enormously, not only technically, but also to look at and and deal with the many, many painful memories of my life. I wasn't sure how helpful it was at first, because it brought back so many feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness, also of anger and pain. But in the end, it's been a gift. I hope you are able to find your outlet, and in the meantime your sense of hope and your own voice.
: : : love and light to you, cj