Walking the walk.....

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: Hi again Howie :) : : Thanks so much for your kind words both Amanda and Ev! : You're very welcome :) : : Btw, speaeking of therapy, I'm starting with a new person tomarrow (hurray!) so I'll let you know how it goes. Its not that I'm completely disillusioned with the proceess, its just that in the process of looking for the forest, we have always gotten lost in the trees i.e. in the search of the real issues we always get lost every time a mini-crisis appears which is more often than not. Besides...I wonder how many of the therapists that I have worked with have really had a clear roadmap to 'solving' or at least alleviating the core issues instead of just the symptoms. : I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that the 'core' issues take longer to get to - and quite a considerable effort to deal with effectively. Still, don't be too ready to dismiss alleviating the symptoms - this actually clears the path that leads to the core issues anyway (even points the way, usually)....and often times the symptoms can be soooo distressing that they can effectively block your path to the core issues unless seen to. Just a thought.... : : OK, now that I have had my say about therapy too :), I will get back to the 'numb' thing. I really hear you out about the 'dont beat yourself up' part. Its like I am SO focused on my own internal state of feeling that its hard to 'get off it'. This is especially true when I am involved in relationships with women, its hard for my feelings to really shine through unless the other person is VERY warm and then I guess I feel safe. Btw, Amanda, you mentioned that your feelings have come back, was there things that you have done to help bring them more to the surface (other than things you may have done to allieviate your own situation, which I'm sure are very personal and not related to my situation anyway). If you think any of them might be useful, I'd really appreciate it. : I'm afraid there isn't a great deal to add to what I've previously said - particularly regarding staying in the present (keeping the serious navel-gazing to a minimum:) and *allowing* the feelings to surface in their own time....and NOT basing my entire self-esteem on what I feel. That's the tricky part - especially for us 4's! It's a tough one for us to be able to achieve some balance in this regard. Sometimes the feelings are *so* intense that it's difficult to step back a bit and put them into some kind of perspective - but that's exactly what we have to do. I have a series of 'tapes' in my head....we all do, actually. Often the tapes play over and over again telling us the worst about ourselves - I'm sure you know what I mean. Well, I learned to reprogram those 'tapes'. I usually 'catch' myself thinking the most dreadful thoughts about myself - and consciously picture a STOP sign - then replace the message with something positive and true....it HAS to be something true or it won't work. To give you a silly example....I might be saying to myself that I am a total reject....no one would have anything to do with me if they really knew me (etc. ad nauseum) - then I 'catch' myself thinking this - enter the STOP sign to disrupt the 'tape' - then I replace it with something along the lines of: I'm not a reject - not EVERYONE is rejecting me - in fact, the one's I really care about are seeking out my company the MORE they get to know me..........you get my drift. You might try looking at your own tapes and coming up with an alternate set to play instead. It does great things for one's self-esteem :) : I have found that I go numb either when circumstances are overwhelming me - or when I'm so mired in the muck of my own emotional life that I can't see the sun shine. I find myself in the thick of the former. My situation reached 'critical mass' and I went into overload for a time. I didn't beat myself up - but understood that it was simply indicative of where I found myself. As the feelings have surfaced (and continue to surface) I have allowed them some air time - given some expression to them - and MOVED ON. I believe we 4's need to do a whole lot more of the latter! We're so good at the 'surfacing' part (even if delayed) and even better at the 'expression' part (at least some of us are) - but seem to have the most difficulty with the 'moving on' part. I know a ton of 4's who understand this and constantly hear "I know I should....(fill in particulars)....but...." : The bottom line is that 'knowing' and 'doing' are two different things. 'Knowing' alone amounts to so much hot air if it isn't followed through with a bit of action. I know it's hard....I am, after all, a 4 too. But the real beauty of it is that when the 'doing' is actually achieved, it's an incredibly empowering experience and one that you can feel good about. Not only that, but it makes next time easier because you've had positive results already (even if the results are that you got yourself out of the emotional quagmire). And if it can work once....maybe it'll work a second time....and a third....and a fourth.... : Now I'm rambling.... : Hope these musings are of help : smiles (ever the eternal optimist!) : Amanda :) : : I'll stop rambling (for now at least :) Thanks again for your encouragement, its always good to hear from others who have walked the walk. : : Howie

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