Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive
Re: depression
Re: depression
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Posted by Ayla on April 19, 1998 at 18:59:25:
In Reply to: depression posted by Devora-Leah on April 19, 1998 at 16:37:36:
Your need to be REALLY loved is something else I share with you. And, like
you, I believe the lack presented itself to me through my mother. She never
wanted children, had them late in life and I think carries deep regrets about
the things she could have done/become if she'd chosen not to marry. That's
not to say she doesn't love us, she does, I know that, but perhaps not the
way I love my own. She was never "in love" with us. She didn't neglect us,
we were well cared for (she was a nurse and is a type 1), but she never
knew the PASSIONS of motherhood. Did I read in one of your messages on the main message board that your
mother is also a type 1? Although she hasn't taken the test, I know without a
doubt that mine is. She visited me this weekend so the feelings I always
succumb to in her presence are very strong right now. I am approaching middle age, yet find myself still stuck in
the muck of childhood. For the casual observer, I had a
good upbringing...my parents didn't drink, fight or engage in
illegal activities...they were both solid, dependable, kind
honest-to-a-fault people. I was not physically abused in
any way and was brought up to believe in what's right and
good (according to her, or course). Many of her good
virtues are with me and I am glad of that. Because of her
I care very deeply about people, social/political issues, and spritual ones. But she also taught me to fear, and to suffer. I really wish the world could
have been a more perfect place for her so she wouldn't have suffered so
badly. It was not so much her critical side--well, maybe so--but the way it
came off wasn't harsh..she never called me worthless, never said directly that
she regretted having me ..her cruelty (am I really saying that?) was in her
inpatience and disinterest (even now) when I want to show her something
I've created; her surprise, even shock when I succeed at something, "I am so
proud of you, you REALLY (doubt, disbelief) finished it and turned it in on
time?" "I can't believe how well you've come through this!" Positive statements
with an underlying negative message. When I found out I was a four, I was not surprised, but after reading the
description I tried to figure out what it was I lost in childhood. The possibility
of a better relationship with her? Did she make me feel abandoned because
she worked outside the home and had little energy left for me in the evening?
Was I a high-maintenance kid, but because I was shy no one noticed? Did I
sit and rock myself because I never bonded with her like I was supposed to
(she says I always squirmed away from her when she'd try to hold me) And,
am I making the same mistakes (if any were really made) to my own daughter
(a sensitive extrovert), when she excitedly asks me to come downstairs to
watch something on tv and I don't jump because I'm writing you this email? I think my husband is a 2, with strong 3 and 7 influences. My son (from
my first marriage) took the test, he's a 6. That too, came as no surprise. The
divorce was terribly hard on him. Do you know how to determine your wing? Is it just a guess or is there a test
for it as well? I assume I'm a 5. I have little ambition (3). Sorry this is so long-winded. Tell me more. I think we're much alike!!!
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