Re: depression

Posted by Devora-Leah on April 19, 1998 at 19:47:33:

In Reply to: Re: depression posted by Ayla on April 19, 1998 at 18:59:25:

The likeness is so amazing it's almost eery and uncanny! Your little autobiography really touches me because it's so similar to my own. Your mother sounds so similar to mine: mine is also a strong Type 1, and I have the same feeling as you that in a way she regrets having chosen the traditional life of being tied down with a husband and two kids. The frustrating thing is she assumed that she had to make an either/or choice. It's true that women 30 yrs. ago were less prominent in the working world, but she certainly could have found a way to do more with her life if she wanted to. Paradoxically, she was very committed and devoted to the home and the raising of my brother and I (it was her duty to make us perfect, of course!). But as a child I sensed her dissatisfaction with her life. Mostly she tried to hide it, perhaps going to her slight 2 wing, but occasionally she'd blow up, explode and scream (usually at me, the daughter) about how she was "sick and tired of taking care of us all and picking up after us." She'd threaten to leave, but of course she never did. I endured her rages in silence, but I think they really damaged me.

My mother could be critical about things, such as homework, neatness, etc. She didn't usually generally attack my character -- based on her subtle remarks I drew my own conclusions that I was totally worthless. My family was also very stable, conservative, "clean living." My father is a kind but remote 5, who also has a lot of perfectionism. I was not abused either (though my mother did threw objects at me occasionally), and I am also grateful for the morals my parents engendered in me, and for their commitment to educating me well.

It's amazing -- my mother also cannot just be simply proud of me. This could explain why I often don't trust my own successes and consider them to be just a stroke of luck. I realize now that my mother just projects her own deep-seated lack of self-confidence on me. A few years ago, I decided I was going to sew myself a suit. I don't have a lot of experiencing sewing, but I am a generally capable individual. When my mother called one day and asked what I was doing, I told her I was sewing a suit. She said, "Whatever gave you THAT idea?" Like, why on earth am I attempting such a project, what gives me the idea that I can do it? Once my therapist made me bring my mother to confront her on her criticism. The therapist brought up this incident and asked my mother what was going on in her mind when she said this. My mother said, "Well, it was as if Devora-Leah had told me she was going to dig up a swimming pool in the backyard by herself by hand!" I don't think I need to explain further, that says it all.

I am married to a kind, affectionate, exuberant Seven. He is a great antidote to my depression and we make a good complementary pair. Sometimes he doesn't have the patience for all my feelings, but he does force me to actually live life and not get too bogged down by it all. I'm curious about your relationships with your children, what your experience is as a Four mother. I hope to have children soon.

If you'd like to email me privately, my address is tebeka@gte.net

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• Re: depression aegk 12:21:00 4/24/98 (0)

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