Posted by Excalibur on September 19, 2000 at 03:41:44:
In Reply to: Re: On my 'love' post posted by Ana on September 19, 2000 at 02:57:38:
: : Basically I have found it very difficult to conceive that so many people waste (well maybe not 'waste') so much of their time and energy devoting themselves to others (and i'm not talking about a romantic relationship here). And so many of them don't give a shit (hope that's ok to say) about themselves.
: Do so many people do that?
Ok not that many but some do, and those are the people i don't understand (maybe it's envy?)
: : It really was simple... and i have a knack for going off track or even never starting on track... I (every second day) wonder whether I will ever enter a relationship without it all being 'me' orientated. I look forward and i see myself with 'her' and wonder whether she will be an end to all my identity problems, or simply another way to get through some of them. If she is the latter, i will in effect, be 'using' her. AHHH....! That is what i really hate about myself. I don't WANT to be like that, and even if i don't seem to be, i will still FEEL like i am.
: You're over-analyzing everything before it's even begun! What's the point in thinking about it? You don't know how you'll act in a relationship until you're in one.
I don't know. There is nothing i don't question... well nothing that i'm currently aware of. I just don't want to 'go with the flow' like they say. It's like i watch the waves forever and ever before even considering to ride one. I know if i wait too long I will never trust myself and the waves will have died, but it's so hard to get any confidence up in myself.
: : So it comes to this. A true relationship can be so benificial to both people, a way to grow together and regognise each others capabilities. So to grow together... in effect, is a selfish act on my part to help me understand myself better. Yeah yeah, you're all going to say that's not the case, but as i said, it will still FEEL like it. Whatever that saying is, about loving yourself before you can love anyone else, is very real to me. I almost feel like i have to grow, individually and on my own, as a person before i can enter any sort of relationship. Because if i am even slightly incapable of liking myself, it will simply ruin another poor soul's life.
: When will you know when you're ready to enter a relationship? What if the opportunity comes along before? I don't think it's selfish at all for another person to help you understand yourself better. How can you grow--completely on your own? I know it's possible, but another person can help without even knowing they are helping.
That's the thing... I will (if i keep going like this) NEVER know. I'm well aware of what i SHOULD be doing, but it's very different to what i AM doing. You know what, i've had people want to go out with me before and i've become so terrified that i say i'm not ready or act this feeling out in some way (eg. by avoiding them completely). But then i find someone i want to enter a relationship with and they reject me... and i'm devastated. Yet, if they were to say yes, i would probably freak out and get out of it in some way. There are people i have conversations with very easily, and one day i realise i am in love with them. As soon as i realise this, i become so shy and can't speak to them at all.... it's so frustrating.
: I mean, I was at an unhealthy level when I met my boyfriend, but in the time I've known him I've done the most growing and learning about myself I've ever done. I've learned so much about myself and relationships in general, just from being with him. And he is a Sensor and didn't even understand the concept of 'developing oneself'. If the person you're eventually with is a patient and gentle soul and they like you, they'll put up with your neurotic hangups and personal quirks! You'll probably be bettering someone's life, not ruining it. Give yourself more credit.
Well it's good to hear that you were unhealthy and still managed to keep your boyfriend. I think part of my problem is that i still live at home with my parents. I'm in much the same situation as Cory.... i know as soon as i have them out of my life i will be able to step out of the anti-social hole i'm in and begin to start a new life.... with other people. Cory mentioned somewhere that with him living at home, he doesn't want to show his parents that he is 'romantically' inclined. I agree with this totally.... but it also applies to *some* of my friends as well. If i were in a relationship, i would dread showing her to my parents, my sister, or as i said even some of my friends. I just find it so difficult to let them see this other side of me. I think part of it is that i'm protecting myself from ridicule, because they constantly put me down in so many areas of my life that this other area of love (which I feel is most important) could not bare to be ridiculed. When they put down the part of me i show them, i can say to myself... "it's ok, they don't know the REAL me," but if they see this other side.... i don't know what i'd do.
Excalibur