Posted by Excalibur {nt} on September 19, 2000 at 07:10:20:
In Reply to: On my 'love' post posted by Excalibur on September 19, 2000 at 02:27:57:
: Based on all of your responses (and i thank you for them) I can conclude that my original post was not totally received the way i wanted it to be. I put in my 'stats' and 'figures' and 'percentages', etc just to illustrate how i found it so difficult to conceive selfless 'giving' of myself to anyone.
: Like Susan said, love (in one form) is putting the other first. I am very aware of this and sure of this... but I think i was mainly frustrated, not by putting her first, but by putting myself *last*. Ok, so this has more to do with giving, in general, to *everyone* else, not just 1 other.
: Basically I have found it very difficult to conceive that so many people waste (well maybe not 'waste') so much of their time and energy devoting themselves to others (and i'm not talking about a romantic relationship here). And so many of them don't give a shit (hope that's ok to say) about themselves.
: It really was simple... and i have a knack for going off track or even never starting on track... I (every second day) wonder whether I will ever enter a relationship without it all being 'me' orientated. I look forward and i see myself with 'her' and wonder whether she will be an end to all my identity problems, or simply another way to get through some of them. If she is the latter, i will in effect, be 'using' her. AHHH....! That is what i really hate about myself. I don't WANT to be like that, and even if i don't seem to be, i will still FEEL like i am.
: So it comes to this. A true relationship can be so benificial to both people, a way to grow together and regognise each others capabilities. So to grow together... in effect, is a selfish act on my part to help me understand myself better. Yeah yeah, you're all going to say that's not the case, but as i said, it will still FEEL like it. Whatever that saying is, about loving yourself before you can love anyone else, is very real to me. I almost feel like i have to grow, individually and on my own, as a person before i can enter any sort of relationship. Because if i am even slightly incapable of liking myself, it will simply ruin another poor soul's life.
: Now don't get me wrong, i know many of my good... yes even great qualities. I am not an unhealthy Four, and at times i feel very healthy, but it's those little doubts that really get to me. If i leave them unquestioned then I will be doing myself more harm than good.... alhtough judging by this post, probably not :)
: - Excalibur (i wrote that subject line first for once)