Posted by heatherb on September 19, 2000 at 10:57:52:
In Reply to: I cannot bare to show that side of me... posted by Excalibur on September 19, 2000 at 03:41:44:
I'm going to ramble on a lot here, I know, because this is a topic that gets to me, it's deep and personal... I probably won't do a very good job expressing myself, and will probably not make much sense, but I just have to reply to the topic somehow, to let you know that what you say, what you feel, is very real, it simply touches me.
Reading your posts about love... reminds me SO MUCH of how I used to be... and of how a part of me still is...
To worry so much about true love, about not being or being selfish, feeling that I really DO deserve to find true love, but then on the other hand, don't see it ever happening... about the expectations one has of love, wondering if to expect love in return is fair or even realistic, or just a sign that it is NOT really love... to wonder about every single little detail in a romantic relationship, to doubt that anyone will ever really love me for who I AM... To believe I would have to change drastically for anyone to possibly love me, but then, knowing that it would be absolutely impossible to change who I am, to feel despair, since it would mean to NEVER find love...
Like you said "There is nothing I don't question..."
There was a time when I did EXACTLY like you said -- I didn't want to, and couldnīt, just go with the flow... So much thinking and wondering and worrying had me living in a world of fear, just watching the world from the outside, not taking any active part in it at all. My life was basically in my head...! Daydreaming, putting myself in imaginary situations, wondering "what ifs..." all the time... And basically, sabbotaging myself, putting myself down before even giving anything a chance.
i don't even know how I broke out of that cycle. Well, truth is, I'm only halfway out of it. I still live most of my life in my head, but the difference is, I have found love -- what I believe, for me, is true love. And I still remember the moment I realized that I had found IT. It scared me to death, I didn't know if I was imagining it... I almost lost it because I was so sure it couldn't be right, that to love me was to be crazy...! That saying, you have to love yourself before anyone can truly love you, is very real to me too. I simply didn't love myself... hardly liked myself. And I didn't want to ruin anyone's life... But then, when I realized that honestly, somebody loved me despite and because of how I am... I can't even explain what it's like. And that person was somebody I loved too. Because I had loved, platonically, a number of people before... but never had I received love in return.
The thought of people "wasting" time on somebody else... or thinking that if you are feeling good and happy, and growing as a person thanks to another person is "using" them....! It's simply not that way. If you love someone, whatever you do is because you want that person to know you love him/her, and of course you expect something in return!! That can be a problem because you might expect too much, or expect the other person to read your mind... But nonetheless, if it is a relationship with true love, the two people care for eachother, and it's simply a little give and take. You will WANT to give, that's the amazing part, and you will ACCEPT, which is even more amazing.
I'll stop. I'm probably not making sense. There are so many things I want to say, but don't know how! I know what I mean though ;) I just know that to have doubts is the story of my life... and you simply won't believe it when you actually have a moment when you don't doubt... and it WILL come, sooner or later. Just don't think it means that you will never doubt again, because you will!! But in that process of falling in love, there will be an unmistakeable moment, when you just KNOW. It's as simple as that.
heatherb
a life lived in fear is a life half lived