Posted by heatherb on September 22, 2000 at 05:47:16:
Lately these days I feel like I have no more room for growth, like I'm stuck... I don't really know how to MOVE ON in this process of getting to know myself... It's almost like I've decided that there are certain aspects of myself I will never really understand, and that it's OK to just let it stay that way.
I feel a bit like I've decided that "OK, this is me, and oh well". In a way, it's really a good thing for me to feel this way, because I used to hate myself and my "differentness" so much that it made life almost unbearable... But now that I have accepted that it's allright to be the way I am, well, it's almost too easy to just let it stay at that.
What can I do to grow more, or what should I be doing?
I just don't know how worthwhile it is to devote lots of time and energy into more investigating, soul searching... If I were on my own, it wouldn't be such a dilemma... But since I am married, going to have a baby... I have other people to think about, and I almost feel like I am sacrificing myself to "be there" for everyone...
Basically I guess I'm just wondering where to go on from here... since I feel kind of "content" with the way I'm feeling now.
Maybe I'm just feeling unmotivated....
But writing this is making me think that most likely this feeling will change, and I'm sure I'll be searching for meaning again...!
Trouble is, I am afraid I have lost a big part of who I am, and I'm simply trying come to terms with that fact. I use to be such a loner, always on my own, independent, and not needing anyone... And all of this has changed in the past 3 years... I have gone with the flow, accepting my emotions and following my heart... But there is that part of me still that just wants to be alone.