Posted by Susan on September 22, 2000 at 18:12:04:
In Reply to: Feeling kind of stuck... posted by heatherb on September 22, 2000 at 05:47:16:
heatherb,
I know what you mean. I have had that dreaded deadend feeling before. It happens to me when big changes come along in my life. Which for me was graduating from college, getting that first job, marriage, moving to a new city and finding another job. It is sort of a "what now?" feeling. I find that I attach a lot of my identity to whatever it is that I am doing at the time and whenever something comes along that causes me to have to stop doing what I was doing, I always feel a little lost for awhile until I can get somethimg else to attach my identity to (something that makes me feel like I am learning and growing). In the beginning it's kind of a yucky feeling...because I don't always know if I'll find that thing that will help me find myself again or if I'll be able to find out anymore about myself.
Sometimes too, I get lost in sacrificing for other people that I love. I will do whatever they need to help them and forget completely about myself....so this results with a sense of lost self too....but it feels good when I see that what I did made a difference...which oddly helps me feel better about myself.
You are getting ready to have a baby. That is a mondo change but it is one that will require you to focus on someone else for awhile. In your head there is an underlying fear there,that you will be soooo needed and maybe even feel taxed at times. There won't be much time for introspection. "Will I still have time to be me and make a difference in the world?" Will I still get to do my art and follow my dreams?" You feel if you don't get to do those things, that part of you will be lost...because it "is" such a part of your being.
But your content feeling is probably coming from your heart. That "being needed" feeling will feel so good! I don't think that you need to do anything else to grow more because you will grow so much just by encountering this little being that your love brought into the world. You will be able to watch your baby grow and learn.....and you will be it's #1 influence. You'll discover so much about yourself through your baby! That's got to be satisfying! I think you will find a new part of yourself and you will like it. And from that you may get a clearer vision of where "your" life is going and what you need to do next. I think it will help you plan better because there will be an added pressure (a good one of course).
Sorry I am writing so much (it is a novel) but I just had a thought on why part of you still wants to be alone. For me, I think it is the risk factor. It's is easier to be alone....because when you allow all these people into your life you run the risk of losing them. Losing people scares the crap out of me! Fear of being abandoned. I'm not scared anybody is going to walk out on me...I just don't want them to die ever. I don't know how I would handle that. (I just have to trust God with that one.) But, (and with me there is always a "but") then if I had just stayed single and lived my life alone....I know I'd just be sitting around going "hey I need somebody to marry and have a baby with.....boy I wish I had that.....I'm lonely and I am missing out!" That would suck even worse.
As you can tell my own decisions about having a family have made me think about this quite a lot. I think I have analyzed myself to pieces with this topic. But this is great because it is like an online therapy group! :o)
You gotta get the most outta life that you can. You are on the right track(risks and everything)! The wrong track would be too scary! Woo! Hoo! Wait....one more cliche.....You go GIRL! (sorry about that I just realized in my effort to be affirming that I was being kind of redundant) :o)!!!This seems really convoluted.....part of the INFPness thing!
sincerely INFP'd in the head,
susan