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Re: Feeling kind of stuck...

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Posted by tanja on September 22, 2000 at 22:43:38:

In Reply to: Re: Feeling kind of stuck... posted by Susan on September 22, 2000 at 18:12:04:

Oops, bit of a technical glitch in my last email. (Fours are obviously more conceptual, rather than practical!).
I have to be honest and say that I am a four who has been through the existential angst trip in my late teens, and truly felt that if anyone saw into the 'black' inside me they would not stay with me. At the time, my need to be authentic and true to myself was in competition with my fear of abandonment and aloneness, which won out. I married a really sweet and simple guy who wasn't overwhelmed by my intenseness, although in many ways it is just that he had no grasp of the 'stuff' in my head. I desparately craved structure (my life seemed so chaotic) and quickly fell into the 2kids-and nice house (mortgaged) in the suburbs.

I have a beautiful husband and two small children, and it all looks so wonderful from the outside, and somestimes from the inside too. However, I have to be honest and say that it is a struggle to maintain my 'authentic' self in this domestic paradigm. Somestimes it is only my spiritual and philosophical framework that keeps me hanging in there, knowing that if I was to walk out on this I would only be more 'screwed' up about my moral failure. The enneagram type 4 characteristic of always feeling like something is missing, craving authenticity etc.etc. leads me to the rational conclusion that regardless of where i found myself I would probably seek something else.

The whole parenthood trip is at once profound, beautiful and terrifying.
Internally I'm probably an unconventional mother, but my ongoing gift to my children is to affirm in them the importance of being true to themselves and God. Melancholy is not pathological (with some exceptions)but watch for post-partum depression, which for me was the external expression of repressed anger/grief at the loss of my independence etc.

I won't go on any further at this point......hope to talk again!
Yours in the journey.

Tanja

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Re: Feeling kind of stuck... heatherb 08:10:15 09/25/00 (0)

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: Oops, bit of a technical glitch in my last email. (Fours are obviously more conceptual, rather than practical!). : I have to be honest and say that I am a four who has been through the existential angst trip in my late teens, and truly felt that if anyone saw into the 'black' inside me they would not stay with me. At the time, my need to be authentic and true to myself was in competition with my fear of abandonment and aloneness, which won out. I married a really sweet and simple guy who wasn't overwhelmed by my intenseness, although in many ways it is just that he had no grasp of the 'stuff' in my head. I desparately craved structure (my life seemed so chaotic) and quickly fell into the 2kids-and nice house (mortgaged) in the suburbs. : I have a beautiful husband and two small children, and it all looks so wonderful from the outside, and somestimes from the inside too. However, I have to be honest and say that it is a struggle to maintain my 'authentic' self in this domestic paradigm. Somestimes it is only my spiritual and philosophical framework that keeps me hanging in there, knowing that if I was to walk out on this I would only be more 'screwed' up about my moral failure. The enneagram type 4 characteristic of always feeling like something is missing, craving authenticity etc.etc. leads me to the rational conclusion that regardless of where i found myself I would probably seek something else. : The whole parenthood trip is at once profound, beautiful and terrifying. : Internally I'm probably an unconventional mother, but my ongoing gift to my children is to affirm in them the importance of being true to themselves and God. Melancholy is not pathological (with some exceptions)but watch for post-partum depression, which for me was the external expression of repressed anger/grief at the loss of my independence etc. : I won't go on any further at this point......hope to talk again! : Yours in the journey. : Tanja

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