Posted by heatherb on September 25, 2000 at 08:10:15:
In Reply to: Re: Feeling kind of stuck... posted by tanja on September 22, 2000 at 22:43:38:
: Oops, bit of a technical glitch in my last email. (Fours are obviously more conceptual, rather than practical!).
: I have to be honest and say that I am a four who has been through the existential angst trip in my late teens, and truly felt that if anyone saw into the 'black' inside me they would not stay with me. At the time, my need to be authentic and true to myself was in competition with my fear of abandonment and aloneness, which won out. I married a really sweet and simple guy who wasn't overwhelmed by my intenseness, although in many ways it is just that he had no grasp of the 'stuff' in my head. I desparately craved structure (my life seemed so chaotic) and quickly fell into the 2kids-and nice house (mortgaged) in the suburbs.
***** Yes, it's partly what happened to me... Only that I didn't feel like my life was chaotic, nor did I crave structure... I simply felt my life was boring and was getting nowhere (actually, that's how it was!) and when my husband and I found eachother it just seemed TOO right, and my conflict was whether or not to follow my heart, leave it all and go with him, or stay with my boring but stable and secure life... I chose to follow my heart. But I also know that part of me felt that this was my ONLY chance... and that's why sometimes I wonder whether or not I was too quick to leave it all, or I don't know. It's just too easy for me to doubt every single detail in my life, and I do it too often. And what you said about your husband not having a grasp of the "stuff" in your head, well, same here! :)
: I have a beautiful husband and two small children, and it all looks so wonderful from the outside, and somestimes from the inside too. However, I have to be honest and say that it is a struggle to maintain my 'authentic' self in this domestic paradigm. Somestimes it is only my spiritual and philosophical framework that keeps me hanging in there, knowing that if I was to walk out on this I would only be more 'screwed' up about my moral failure. The enneagram type 4 characteristic of always feeling like something is missing, craving authenticity etc.etc. leads me to the rational conclusion that regardless of where i found myself I would probably seek something else.
***** That is EXACTLY it!!!! I couldn't have experessed it better... It is a real struggle, and it seems to me that there is a thin line between feeling like I've settled or compromised my identity, and feeling that I have done GOOD by hanging in there and adapting to the new changes and challenges I'm faced with...
: The whole parenthood trip is at once profound, beautiful and terrifying.
: Internally I'm probably an unconventional mother, but my ongoing gift to my children is to affirm in them the importance of being true to themselves and God. Melancholy is not pathological (with some exceptions)but watch for post-partum depression, which for me was the external expression of repressed anger/grief at the loss of my independence etc.
****** I can see that happening to me, and it's another thing that frightens me.. I just don't know how I am going to change. I want to do just what you are doing with my child (and children to come): affirm them in the importance of being true to themselves, and for them to know that they are loved... I don't want them to doubt that, or to feel that they don't have a place in this world... That's my main "goal". I just really hope that I don't get caught up in MYSELF, and end up becoming angry and resentful for having lost my independence... That is my main fear.
But I feel more and more confident, as motherhood is getting closer and closer... I know that I will do the best I can, and that I have my husband's support... And that it will all be OK.
Thanks for your reply, Tanja!!
heatherb