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Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive The power of words....Posted by Amanda :) on August 07, 1999 at 13:31:20: In Reply to: let me add something posted by Amy on August 03, 1999 at 15:17:24: : I reflected on what I just posted, and I think I'm primarily unsympathetic toward people I resent for some reason--like family members. But at the same time I still don't think I'm very good at dealing with people who are going through a crisis--I tend to feel awkward around them, and I don't know what to say--it seems to me that saying comforting words is bullshit, like how could my words make the person feel better. Hi there Amy :) You speak here about two very different things. I know nothing of the resentment you harbour for family members or anyone else - but I'd like to address the issue of feeling awkward with those going through crisis. Most people feel awkward in this kind of situation and it's often not until it simply can't be avoided, that we get the opportunity to grow in this area. It's easy to dismiss it all as "bullshit" - that words alone can't make the person feel better - but I think you are wrong. A word alone cannot make everything magically alright again, certainly - but it can aid the healing process in immeasurable ways. Let me give you an illustration of what I mean.... When my baby daughter, Madeline died, I was in about as much crisis as a body can get. So many of the people around me didn't know *what* to say. Some said some really stupid things, that I eventually put down to them not knowing any better. Some spouted cliches at me - but I appreciated the effort anyway. The most touching moments were those when people just spoke from the heart. One friend at the funeral, who is the mother of 7 beautiful children, came up to me and whispered that she didn't know what to say, but that she loved me and if she could do anything to help, to just call. Another really close friend said that she had no words to express her grief for me, and offered to sew a tiny dress for Madeline to be buried in. A couple of days later she arrived with a most beautiful little white dress, covered with silk embroidery - it was angelic. She told me quite simply how she'd made it by hand, and had sown all her love and tears into every stitch. These people weren't trying to come up with the most psychologically sound and politically correct answers to every problem. They just told it like it was - and spoke from the heart. They were friends who were prepared to stick it out with me through the dark times. There's an element of love involved, that requires enough intimacy 'to know and be known'. The simple words they and many others like them shared with me told me more than anything, that they truly did care about me. They helped me to heal and ultimately have helped shape my life. Words are powerful. What I tell my children *matters* a great deal. Encouraging them to see themselves as the beautiful and gifted and completely irreplacable people that they are - and being honest with them - helps them to build a healthy self esteem. Real love involves a level of opening up where your words - the thoughts you finally share out loud - are of vital importance. But there is always a risk involved. There's the risk of exposing ones innermost self - and being rejected. Or the risk of those words coming back as ammunition at a later time....or of being completely misinterpreted and it being used against you. There's a million more where that came from too, but then, you have to take into account that you just may be understood and loved in return....and it is soooo worth it! You words matter Amy! smiles
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