Re: [Now to sing this lovely ballad, here is...Mama Cass] Stars shinin' bright above you...

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: : ...night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you". Birds singin' in the Sycamore tree. Dream a little dream of me. : : I love that song. Her voice is just so perfect. What a sweet song. : : Anyway, hi Mr. Mark. Let's talk about your post now, shall we? =oD : : : : [Excalibur]: I mentioned this a long while ago, but it is becoming more clear now. My mind works like this: I try to maintain my distance from the answers : : that i'm looking for. Like searching for UFO's, the Loch Ness or other paranormal phenomenons, I can only go so far until i don't want to know any more. : : For example, imagine if i were a UFO investigator. Somehow, that constant searching is what would drive me, but to find an answer would almost be : : devastating. : : [xemcats] Nah. I used to think like that, before I had any actual experience in the world. I thought that as long as I never found what it was that I was so : : desperately searching for, that my life would still have meaning and mystery and wonder. But now, as I'm growing up and beginning to actually LIVE life, : : instead of just imagining it and sitting in a corner and analyzing everything all day, I'm getting to understand that actually finding the answers to whatever : : I'm looking for is so much more fulfilling. I never knew what it was like to have a normal job, and a normal boyfriend, and the independence of college, : : and etc, until very recently. This last year has been the most emotional one of my life, it has had the most changed, physically, mentally, everything. My : : advice to you is not to give up on this "search" or whatever the hell you want to call it, but to ACTUALLY MAKE IT A SEARCH instead of pretending it is, : : knowing you're never going to want to find an answer. I don't know...one of the only examples I can think of right now is being in love with someone that : : loves me back just as much. Before I had HIM <--, I always thought it'd be "romantic" to have a tragic romance, for it to be one-sided, and have my heart : : broken. Silly fantasies. Let people accept you, sir. It's nice. : <b>My search is real, i'm not pretending it is a search, but i'll answer that question later. I don't know if i have the same view you had (about the 'tragic romance'), as a real romance is what i believe in. Letting people accept me... hmm, that's interesting. It depends how they accept me. If they accept me for the person they see me as (eg. a good friend) then it will be hard to let them accept me that way. But if they accept me as a person who is on a search, then it will be easy for me to let them. The problem is (yes i know it is a problem) i want people to see all sides of me, not just a part of me, which means if they only see a part of me, I will (in a way) throw that part away from me :)</b> : : [Ex]: You see, i maintain my inspiration by looking around at all the things we *don't* know. To maintain a sense of wonder and awe is extremely : : important to me, as is maintaining my innocence to the world. I believe this is my 'romanticism' which is effecting this view of mine. I imagine sitting by a : : lake and watching the stars with that special someone, and to see a shooting star. No i would not want to explain that the shooting star is just a rock : : passing through and getting burned up by the atmosphere (that is what happens right? :)), i would just want to sit there and wonder and just be inspired. : : [Em] I have imagined that too. I used to have daydreams about no one in particular, just romantic daydreams like dancing under the moonlight, or sitting : : by a lake and watching the stars. Nicely enough, I actually did get to sit on a dock at nighttime with John when he was here, and I saw a shooting star, : : and lemme tell ya...that was much nicer than I had imagined it in my stupid romantic idealizations. Real life is not a bad thing. Also, I used to be like you : : about not wanting to understand things. But I've found that knowing what a shooting star is makes it that much more interesting. Understanding exactly : : what is taking place, and why it happens...THAT is cool. I think it's all about being honest with yourself. If you entertain these fantasies about shooting : : stars being magical fairy dust or a mystical sign or something, you're just willingly lying to yourself, and it opens the door to lying about bigger issues. : : That's not very nice. : <b>Yeah that's true. I used the shooting star as an example, but there are some things i have no idea about and would like it to remain that way. Of course this doesn't mean i don't want to know, or am not interested in these things, it just means i need something to believe in. Religious people do this all the time, but i am not religious. I'm sure it must be a fear.</b> : : : [X]: A view i have is that finding an answer is the *end*, not a new beginning. It seems that explaining the reasons for how and why things are the way : : they are just don't appeal to me. I have to maintain my distance from things i don't know and things which inspire me, and this includes self-knowledge. : : [M] You don't stay distant from self-knowledge. The fact that you even take the time to post things completely blows that theory out of the water. Think : : about 7s, 9s, people who block negative emotions and etc, etc. THOSE people stay away from self-knowledge. Most fours do not. Anyway, you even : : said above somewhere, or maybe it was in another post, that finding yourself is the most important thing in your life, even if you are uncomfortable with it. : : Oh yah, another thing, what is it that yer tryin' to find? I hear people talking about being on a search for the self and other mumbo jumbo, but do those : : people ever really stop and think about what that means, or do they like to say it because it sounds good? I dunno. And when they answer, do they say, : : "I am trying to discover who I am, and who I want to become, and what I'm all about"? Are they really, or do they just think they are? What have they : : ACTUALLY done to try and find that? It's a silly quest. Like I said, self-honesty. : <b>Yes, finding myself is the most important thing in the world to me. Along the way, i will find answers, many answers. These don't frighten me. It's reaching the end that does, reaching my limits. I don't know if this is possible, but regardless, living a life and knowing exactly who i am seems to scare me. I don't know why. It's probably a fear that once there is nothing more i can find, there is no point continuing life. Ok, so there is no limit for anyone, but the very notion scares me to death.</b> : <b>What am i trying to find? There are many things, but i'll give you some specific examples. I would like to discover the power i have inside me, something that is always blocked because of self-esteem problems. I would like to discover who i really am; specifically, am i simply a reflection of my friends and family, or is there something inside me which was not 'created' externally, but present within me always. Related to this, i would like to discover whether i am able to create my own beliefs. I need to know my place within society, i need to know how i relate to others, but especially why. Do i have the ability to change, or am i simply guided by external views? All these questions come together to form a basic desire, to lift my real self out of my pretend self... for good.</b> : : : : [Mark]: I would like to hear comments on this. Do other Fours feel this way as well? What about Fives, how do you feel (if they read this board)? : : [Emily] I tried feeling This Way once, but he just smacked me and told me he already had a girlfriend. Also, I'm really annoyed at Audion, which is a nice : : Mp3 player for Macs. It has a 15 day trial period, and then you have to pay approx. $54654809854548954 to register it. It keeps giving me that : : message, and saying I can only use the program in 30 minute blocks until I pay, then it shuts itself down. I'm too tired to throw away the preferences so it : : thinks it's new and restart the computer so I don't get that message anymore. *drinks water* : : I should be in class right now. : : -Emily, say nighty night and kiss me. Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me. While I'm alone and blue as can be, dream a little dream of me

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