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Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive Re: How do you deal with anger?Posted by Will on August 19, 1999 at 11:43:41: In Reply to: Re: How do you deal with anger? posted by Ev on August 19, 1999 at 09:37:04: This is definitely not shotgun anger. It's more like frustration. I feel as if I've given a lot of myself, given some of my little secrets away, which is not always the easiest thing for me to do. Now I feel vulnerable in a way. I think, however, that I should let you know the situation simply because I think I'll get the most specific feedback that way. Like I said, there are a couple of situations but the situation that is affecting me the most deals with a girl whom I met last summer. We were both in the same place at the same time, both on vacation. We met, clicked, hung out, fooled around a bit and went our separate ways, both content to exchange e-mail addresses and keep in touch that way. We e-mailed for a couple of months, "I'm doing this...what's new with you?" kind of thing. Then, everything stopped. Three or four of my emails went unanswered and I gave up. Last May her name popped up on my screen again and we started e-mailing again. This was an every day occurrence, long, detailed, revealing, intimate e-mails which we both looked forward to. There was a spiritual connection there. She asked me to meet up with her in the place where we had met originally (the same date even, 4th of July - very romantic) and I did so, reluctantly, because I wasn't sure which one of us was going to be more disappointed. One can look like a God over e-mail (spell check, look up a quote on the net, hit the old thesaurus, change what you want to say and how you want to say it, or, not say it at all). Person to person is something a little different. We met and had a good time, a couple of conflicts about my behavior notwithstanding. I got back from the trip and she continued on with hers for another two weeks, calling me a few times, illustrating what a good time she had with me etc. She eventually got back to the States and we made plans for me to come and visit her. The phone calls and e-mails continued but not with the frequency, intesity or passion they once had. A week before I was to visit she called me and pointed out something I said that bothered her. What I said is irrelevant in this case but, suffice it to say, I said it, quickly restated it in the way that I actually meant it and moved on. Of course, she only listened to the first part of it and ignored the correction. In every conversation we had there seemed to be something about me she was critical about. And, this bugged me. It was not that way with the e-mails. I told her that I was a person and not an e-mail, that when people have a conversation they speak off the top of their heads (as opposed to reading an e-mail you're writing and saying, "Nah, I don't want to say that"), that I can put my foot in my mouth at times (as we all do) and that she was being too critical of me. She followed up by asking me what my expectations were for my visit, telling me that she's in a weird head and not to expect....well, sex. Or, at least, that's how I interpretted, "I hope you don't have any expectations. I'm not entirely sure where my head is at right now." This pissed me off because everything seemed to turn on a dime. Everything just seemed to change and I guess I took it personally. Regardless, I didn't know why they had changed. I told her my feelings regarding this change and she didn't understand where I was coming from or why I was coming from where I was coming from. Needless to say, we weren't in sync the way we were before. I didn't feel that spiritual connection that was so present previously. I didn't want complications or issues. I just wanted to have fun. I wanted things to be like they were before, simple yet elegant. I canceled my trip out there, I think due to spite, and now our friendship/relationship is superficial at best. I want to feel like I'm special to her, which is the way I felt before. I miss that previous interaction, that flirting, that feeling of specialness I had. I don't feel special now and am pissed off as a result. Things are delicate now. Frail. Sensitive. If I get an e-mail from her I respond immediately, even though they don't have the same intesity as they once had. If she doesn't react with the same vigor I get mad. I feel vulnerable because she's in control. If I had to choose between the way things were, remembering something that was special to me, and not have any more contact, I feel as if I'd rather choose no contact over a mundane "Hi, how ya doin'?" every once in a while friendship, which is they way things seem to be now. Bottom line, I liked it the way it was before and it sucks now. I don't know why and my efforts to explain myself are misunderstood. So, what the Hell do I do?
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