Posted by 2mama on November 30, 2000 at 14:02:22:
In Reply to: I just cut a shadow 4 friend out of my life... posted by 2mama on November 29, 2000 at 22:06:05:
I can't tell you how much your assorted comments helped. I'm still feeling vulnerable after doing The Big Dump, in the sense that it was very draining to go against my fundamental nature and pactice really tough love rather than obvious compassion. If I can remember some of your questions/suggestions, I'll do my best to answer clearly. To address the suggestion that she get psychotherapy/counseling comment: this woman must have burned out endlesss therapists over the years. In some cases I think they were just willing to take her money and take advantage of her. I in fact would suggest that she do yet more therapy from time to time. This is her clinical history, as I see it. Her parents are full-on psychotics. I met them once. That was once too many times. Her only sib is clinically schizophrenic. Crazy anger was the predominant mode of parental emotional expression in her childhood. She assimilated it all too well. I was a bit more fortunate. Only one of my parents was/is borderline psychotic.What drew us together initially at a core level, I believe, was this shared experience of childhood craziness and the resultant anger energy we both carry/carried. It's a yucky anergy, but paradoxically safe and familiar. Naturally, in my opinion, we gravitated to each other after we recognized this old "friend" in each other. As to calling back (if someone in fact mentioned that) to explain why I cut things off cold and/or suggest that she get into psychotherapy, there's simply no way I can do that. It's not an ego issue personally. I'm simply exhausted from years of melodramatic bullshit and know the pattern all too well. If I let my inherent sympathy out and speak to her now, she'll try and suck me back into her drama. It's healthier for me simply to hang up, and take care of me for a change. I'm the classic two; help everyone else first. As to what was the straw that broke the camel's back: sadly, it involved her young son. Because she's mothering him to a large extent in the way in which she herself was mothered, plus she's scared shitless of him, he's learned to express any emotion he feels (be it loneliness, fear, sadness, you name it) through anger. He's not a well kiddo, psychologically speaking. I used to look at him when he was a young, gentle-spirited baby and wonder "my God, how is this poor kid going to deal with the explosive anger of both his parents?" The straw was was that over Thanksgiving, the poor kid was feeling really wrenched away at having to leave after having spent two days playing with my own sons. Instead of being able to express that, he turned to me and said "you're stupid." My two boys were watching. If they hadn't been there I probably would have let it go. Not my son, and too much emotional pathology. However, my kids WERE watching, and I recognized that I had to model an appropriate response for them. Since at his own house in prior years he's called me "fat", "stupid", "ugly", "weirdo lady" etc. in his mom's presence and she couldn't bring herself to hear it, I let it go at those times. This time though, I said something to the effect of "I know it's hard to be leaving now, but it's not ok to call someone names. This is my house, and the rules in this house don't allow that kind of behavior. (he'd never visited on my home turf before.) What you say is what you are." "What you say is what you are" is something I say to my own kids in an attempt, without ridicule, to model the nature of projecting one's feeling about oneself onto someone else. Anyway, his mom/my ex-friend heard this, significantly everything but him calling me "stupid." It's not about being called "stupid" that got to me. I've been called far stronger. I felt a brief flicker of anger and then real sadness at the kid's pain. No, I'm not trying to paint myself as Mother Teresa :) Anyway, my ex-friend went ballistic. She stormed out of the house with her son, and 10 minutes later called on her cell phone in full tirade mode. Fortunately my husband answered. He just held the phone away from his ear and came in with an appropriate "uh huh" periodically. Later that night I called her in my usual diplomatic truth/let's use this as a growth opportunity mode. This was utterly ineffective. Although to her credit she didn't start screaming, she said that she'd always known I hated her son and that what I had said to him was utterly wrong, and that she'd defend him no matter what. End of conversation. That night I dreamt that the ring in my pierced navel had been wrenched open. I was in tremendous pohysical pain. Then I saw that a piece of severed umbilical cord was projecting from my navel. The dream went lucid, and I realized that my connection with this woman had been completely severed. For months now, in fact, I've been having dreams of wanting to break off the friendship. I did learn about myself though this extended process and the ultimate resolution that I've passed the point of needing to hang on to that kind of anger in my life as "energy food", and it's just to toxic for me to engage with at all. If I ever run into another person radiating vibes like this, I'll run in the opposite direction as fast as possible. To address the issue of is this just a woman friendship thing. I don't know. I did at one time have a male friend who continually sabatogued his own life and I just let the friendhship die by not sending a new forwarding address after a move, but I don't know what enneagram type he was. He was in fact a very deep person and there was a very womanly aspect of friendship intimacy with him. Thanks again for reading/listing, you guys! I can't begin to tell you how much your various comments are helping me complete this process. I've clearly decided that if she ever calls again, I'll simply hang up, as many times as it takes for her to get the message that she can't suck me in anymore. I can only hope that she grows through this or something else.