Posted by S. K. on December 01, 2000 at 15:35:59:
In Reply to: I just cut a shadow 4 friend out of my life... posted by 2mama on November 29, 2000 at 22:06:05:
...both approaches listed so far aren't the best.
As a Four...and somebody who knows the pain and fear of just "being dropped"...I can say that that approach, at least to the Four, is NOT the healthiest thing to do. But of course, neither would be coddling and making the Four dependent on you.
Take a look at it from the Four's perspective: Either you're entirely dependent on this person, they're enabling you, and you will never learn any skills to cope on your own. That's not a good thing.
But then there's the alternative that was given: Just completely CUT this person out of your life, refuse to deal with them, say "It's nothing personal, I don't hate you," but still never communicate with them again. I have to agree, that's a horrible thing to do! It's just as bad as enabling the Four, and potentially as emotionally damaging. Enabling and coddling emotionally disables the Four from being able to independently deal with other people. Cutting them out of your life without a second word does the same thing. The thing is, it appears to cut harder because it's such a harsh approach.
I think what I mean to say is, enabling the Four is like a chronic problem (it goes ON and ON with no end in sight), and cutting them out of your life is like an acute problem (you just CUT them out, with no resolution, no assistance, and the pain is traumatic). Whatever the case, BOTH are problematic ways of dealing with the situation.
It's very easy to get drawn into the Four's pattern of self-sabotaging behavior, but just dropping them from your life isn't the best approach. If they are a FRIEND, they will need your help. That's what friends are for. I know, you have no real obligation to help them, and as you said, YOU feel better after getting rid of them, but...well, that leads me to believe it wasn't a real friendship in the first place, if it's so easy to just cut all the ties without any guilt. You may be left feeling better off, but they are not, and that still leaves half the problem. It may not be your half, but if you were a real friend, you should at least try to find a way to help. Not to further ENABLE...but to HELP.
I think the only approach in this case would be "tough love" or else insisting they see somebody for help. Tell them, "I care about you, and so it bothers me to see you acting in such a self-destructive way. I wish to be your friend but I cannot care for you every hour of every day. You CANNOT be dependent on me. Can't you see that I'm not strong enough to deal with that burden? I'm asking that you get some help for this. From somebody more qualified to give it. Like I said...I want to be your FRIEND, not your therapist. But the only way I can be so is if you get help. NOW."
I'm afraid it would have to be an ultimatum, which MIGHT not be a good idea (I know how much *I* hate ultimatums!) But an ultimatum--the promise that the Four will still have a friend left, should they choose to get help--is better than just being dumped and left on their own entirely. I know I'd prefer it, at least. And sometimes it's that final prompt that's needed to convince the Four (or whatever type!) to get the help they need. Simply saying, "We can't be friends anymore" doesn't help them with their problem at all.
Well...this was far too long. I actually haven't read all your responses to the posts below, so if any of this was already covered I apologize. I just wanted to put in my two cents without being "contaminated" by others. I also know I'm hardly one to speak, as a dependent Four. Hope you don't mind. :)