Posted by 2mama on December 01, 2000 at 16:17:27:
In Reply to: I think... posted by S. K. on December 01, 2000 at 15:35:59:
Dear S.K., thanks for your well-put and valid points. I did indeed enable this person for many years. I own that as my personal responsibility. Fear of being disliked and fear of anger were/are my own underlying issues. I very much liked the way you put how to speak to a truly dusfunctional 4 (or emotionally dysfunctional person of any type).
Tell them, "I care about you, and so it bothers me to see you acting in such a self-destructive way. I wish to be your friend but I cannot care for you every hour of every day. You CANNOT be dependent on me. Can't you see that I'm not strong enough to deal with that burden? I'm asking that you get some help for this. From somebody more qualified to give it. Like I said...I want to be your FRIEND, not your therapist. But the only way I can be so is if you get help. NOW."
Here I have to say that over the course of the years I said essentially the same thing to her on many different occasions. It was difficult to do for a pacifist, chicken shit 2. Then she'd flip out and I'd let myself get sucked in again out of fear. By the end, I was utterly exhausted and depleted by the constant phone calls, anger, and melodramas. My family members and close friends were practically begging me to tell her to fuck off (their language, not mine.). That's my shit, not hers. From my perspective, the friendship ended at a heart level for me several years ago. I was sucked in and being abused (with my obvious permission) to a degree I can't transmit the essense of in cyberspace. She's not a monster nor am I perfect. There's certainly trugh in both hearts. I think what it boiled down to for me in the end is that I had to get an abrupt divorce. I got what I'd been doing and really got how familiar the energy of psychologal abuse was to me. I couldn't ask her to seek professional help yet another time. I needed OUT, immediately. Working it out or explaining my feelings in the most perfect "I statement" format wasn't an option anymore. I'd tried too many times and it just left me open to being sucked in again. For once, I had to take care of myself. I'm sure she hurts. Truth is, she really got what was inevitably coming. The sad thing is that when she's on the phone, flipping out to her friends about how she just doesn't understand what I did to her, some of them may actually have the guts to say "it's about time she did it. I'm sick of your behaviors too." Then she's really alone. Do I feel any malicious vindication in that? Truly no. A lot of sadness for her, yes. Unfortunately, I think this is a being whose only chance at healing is to be truly alone and to face herself. I'm not sure she can do it. I hope she can. I just can't go there with her anymore. Even now, I'm wasting my energy processing this stuff in cyberspace. (That wasn't directed at you, S.K.; that's my own process.)
Thanks again for your thoughtful and caring observations.