Posted by Anonymous on December 31, 2000 at 03:01:23:
I have to admit that I'm a worthless person. Why? Because I'm doing something so ordinary as being a whiny person posting their melancholic thoughts on a board! Look at me! Im a loser who hates my life!!!! Arrgh! Even Sarcasm is so overdone.
Now, don't start assuming im a Four. I mean I could very well be a Four but I honestly dont think I am. For one thing I am rather divorced from my feelings. I never express my true feelings to anyone! Never, ever! Well ok maybe online I will because its so "unreal" and I feel protected because the person is just "words on a screen" and I am likewise to them. But I couldn't have a conversation with anyone in real life about my feelings.
For one thing it makes me look weak. I hate looking so vulnerable to others! I feel very ashamed of myself when people find out that I am depressed or have negative thoughts of myself. My feelings are so dependent on the situation it's frightening! I always agree with people and I work hard to make them think I am their friend. I am rather charming and like to joke around. And I am always willing to express my persona: the Court Jester. But Im actually very introverted, you see. There's a certain reserved quality about me that's hard to pinpoint. I just don't "fit in" with any group. I try to be a chameleon but I fail.
Sometimes Im too extraverted and Im outspoken or too open. Even though I scrutinize myself to make sure I don't do anything that threatens me or hurts another person, I often say callous remarks. I just have a very bad time with people. Either I'm too withdrawn and shy or I'm blunt and obnoxious. No one really likes me. Everyone is nice to me, but only superficially. Hardly anyone takes the time to get to know me more intimately.
I'll question people directly asking them what is wrong with me. Everyone denies there's something wrong with me! I know they are lying; Why cant they be truthful and explain what about me is so horrible that they go away from me?
Im so dependent on attention, love, admiration, and being liked. In a perfect world, I would be valued and talented and everyone would love me so much. I want to find my niche in life, to make my life better and to give something to the world. I'd like to make others lives better as well. I want to love them and I want them to love me.
But it seems like it's a one-way street to me. I'm always giving and no one is giving to me. This is why there must be something wrong with me. I see everyone else as being completely Indifferent of me. It's not that they hate me (they certainly dont like me though), its just that no one cares about me at all. Its like I am a ghost. They ignore me all the time. Someone else is always better looking, or more interesting (in their view), or just knows how to manipulate others to get what they want.
I also have a dreadful self-image. I really, honestly do not know who I am at all! I have tried for years to understand myself with the Enneagram but Im always discovering something new (and different) about myself which really throws me off. So this makes me wonder if the above is all true? I honestly think it does.
I also have to quietly admit...that a lot of my anxiety and negative feelings comes from not being in a relationship. I feel so incredibly (maybe I should've capitalized that "i") inferior to others because of it. Even Hitler had someone that loved him! How fucked up am I?
So I compensate for that by desiring the superficial. All I want is anonymous sex with as many women at all. Just pure physical pleasure. I fear having any emotional connection. After all, thats what *EVERYONE ELSE* does. I dont want to be like everyone. Everyone has relationships. I want something different I want to have no connection with anyone whatsoever, yet have my sexual needs fulfilled. I also want to be desired tremendously and have the power to turn down my admirers. I want women to look upon me as a king and they will be my servants.
But is this really *ME*? I have to admit...wow this is going really deep in my soul...normally I am not even this honest with myself but i am with you...I admit its compensatory. I would rather have the opposite but since I have such a bleak view of my future I think its absolutely impossible. I dont really *WANT* to be this "king" but its my only choice. Either that or be a sexless hermit (and I dont want *that* since Ive been that all my life and it sucks, let me tell you!).
I get depressed alot and I think this is why. I get so envious of others. If it gets bad, I wish to hurt them or destroy them in some way. I deal with my envy by becoming someone else. I experience my envy as Anger. I dont see some happy couple and go "Oh Gee! I wish I had that!". No, I give myself reassurance and just bullshit myself with my inner persona.
Methinks I revealed too much about myself. I hate doing that. I really do!