Re: Unequal feelings in relationships

Posted by Hal on August 26, 1999 at 15:26:45:

In Reply to: Unequal feelings in relationships posted by Ev on August 26, 1999 at 12:19:07:

: In one of the previous threads the question arose regarding unequal feelings in relationships. I've thought about this quite a bit in the past and have come to some conclusions which I think are almost universally applicable. Unfortunately, my conclusions aren't apt to bring a smile to the faces of those who hope to retain the vestiges of a friendship once love has entered he picture.

: It has been my experience, both personal and from observing others, that once the line has been crossed from friendship to love, the relationship can rarely go back to its original parameters. This is especially true if only one of the friends falls in love. Such an unequal power dynamic now exists that it's almost impossible for both parties to have their needs met within the context of "friendship". The person in love tends to become overly "needy" which in turn begins to drive the other person away. It's not either party's "fault" that this begins to happen, it's just that this behavior is almost unavoidable.

: If you're the one in love, do you stay in the relationship in hopes that the other may come to feel the same way? Well, the answer is both yes and no. It all depends on how long this inequity has existed and how explicit he other person has been in expounding their feelings. If someone has told you that they don't share the same feelings for you that you have for them, *and* a considerable amount of time has passed, then you are probably just deluding yourself if you think that things will change. This is a bitter pill to swallow but it's almost always the truth.

: Being "tragic romantics", this type of situation is very appealing to us.

: What are your thoughts on the subject?

: Ev

Well, I'm sure everyone knows my opinion on this issue, biased though it may be. For a time I was pushing my friend way too hard to spend more time with her and get close to her, though this also happened before I became romantically interested. But yes, I have always needed her more than she needs me.

What I believe is vitally important is to realize that the person you're attracted to cannot give you everything you need. I'm aware of this, but still have a hard time accepting it. I'm not even sure anyone can fulfill all your needs, even if they do love you back as much as you love them. I can't speak from personal experience on this, though, since it's never happened to me. But I can say that we need to find fulfillment from within, not from external people or circumstances. When we look to another for this fulfillment, we give away our power and all the positive qualities that are truly part of us. We disown those qualities and the ability to find fulfillment from within and place it all on the other person. It's unfair to them and terrible for us.

I don't know if all that says anything about this question, but it's another difficult truth to swallow, and one that's been challenging me for quite some time now--much easier said than done.

- Hal -

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• Re: Unequal feelings in relationships Ev 15:55:56 8/26/99 (0)

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