Posted by Freddie on December 31, 2000 at 21:54:38:
In Reply to: Re: 4c1 attitude: you're responsible for your own "hissy fits." posted by S. K. on December 31, 2000 at 16:55:05:
: I believe that yes, we ARE all responsible for our own reactions (unless we have a serious mental disorder that prohibits us from reacting rationally), but in certain cases, there is ALSO an amount of responsibility on the provoker.
If you feel an outburst is justified, then by all means have one, but what I'm steadfastly against is insisting that the other person was responsible for your outburst. That's an excuse made by people in an effort to avoid growing up. The more responsibility for yourself you accept, the more mature you've become. This contrast is analogously expressed between children who need to be supervised, at one extreme, and autonomous adults who are able to maintain their well-being on all levels, at the other extreme. Even if you throw a fit, and you feel you're in the right, at least recognize that you were reponsible for it, not the other. Assess yourself in the light of the ideal. You may always fall short, but you'll be the best you can be at this point, and you may surprise yourself.
: That's on a case-by-case basis, and not in general, however. Very often overreactions come about because of misunderstanding rather than deliberate provocation. In that case, the "provoker" may have a measure of responsibility for not having been clearer in their intentions, but the bulk of responsibility is on the person who overreacted, especially if the "provoker" was very clear with what they said or did, and did not deliberately provoke in any way.
Once we've determined that we're sane, I will feel that if we allow these provokers any degree of responsibility over us, we will be making excuses for refusing to grow up. I know it's hard to grow up; being a reactionary is its own peculiar, sometimes perverse, pleasure, and it feels natural. It certainly does to me. I react, and I know it. Someone raises their voice at me; I raise mine back. But if I can say I've taken a step away from the infantile and toward maturity, that step was my realization that, although my reaction was perfectly impetuous, as far as I could tell, and although one may argue that without bad boy's behavior "A" I would not have displayed reaction "B," I still cannot put the tiniest ounce of blame on the other person for the loss of my temper. The other person did not control me. To argue that the other person had control over me would be to put myself in the position of one who needs to be supervised and restrained by others - a child, a prisoner, a victim of society or peers, whatever. Let's examine the cliche "to lose one's temper." There's great truth in cliches sometimes. The temper you lose is your own, not anybody else's. Ownership is control. If you don't control yourself, you won't own yourself. And if you don't own yourself, somebody else will. Whether this "somebody" is your family, your exploitative co-workers, your friends, or meddlesome government administrations, you will be taken under their wing, and as proportion as you "give" yourself to them by delegating your self-responsibility to them, you will lose control of your life. Everything - your social standing, your feelings, your agenda - will be tainted by the "deed of ownership" you've given them.
: Plus, there's always the deal with people who just are not emotionally stable and tend to overreact most of the time. No one ELSE is responsible for their reactions, but sometimes neither are they. You would have to blame a bad upbringing, faulty brain chemistry, etc. Some people truly CAN'T control the way they react.
That's why we have correctional facilities at the "psychotic" extreme, and bluffy, insubstantial, shady "self-help" industries at the "neurotic" extreme. I don't mean to disparage all self-help organizations; some are legitimate. Still, it should be a foregone conclusion that many of them exist only to prey upon people's unwillingness to take responsibility for themselves. You can spot them easily: they're the ones who offer "quick fixes" and seemingly "magical" solutions. They know that many people are so emotionally lazy or unconscious, they'll be willing to do almost anything to improve themselves, even pay large sums of money... so long as the process involves an easy alternative to serious self-assessment, initiative, and work.
: Not sure if any of that made sense or was even on subject. Oh well. <:)
Well-a done! Ciao.
Freddie