Now, now....

Posted by Matches on August 26, 1999 at 16:13:09:

In Reply to: What he said.... posted by Amanda :) on August 26, 1999 at 05:20:39:

This might be kind of long...and possibly incoherent....just letting you know.

Y'all shouldn't worry so much.... I'm sorry if what I said sounded bad or scary or whatever... it wasn't really meant to sound like that...

"The end of me as I know it."

The words "as I know it" are the key. When things like this happen, they build up and build up over a period of time.. how long, I don't know. But sooner or later, things have to give...they have to. There is a straw that breaks the proverbial camel's back. (Amanda, you can substitute "dingo's back if you'd like :-) ..) Anyway, I can see it coming. I can see a point where I'm just going to explode...or implode....whatever.

I've learned that I don't have the "ganas" to change my present situation. I really beleive that. So all I can do is prepare for the day. Hopefully, I can come out of it and be better off, and not have a bitter end.

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Its all about The Wall. Throughout our lives, many of us build a "wall." Why? The wall protects us from things that may hurt us. But at the same time, it seals us off from the outside world. It prevents others from seeing us as we really are...its a facade..

Any time we put on our act...any time we act like someone we're not...we pretend not to be hurt by something someone else says...or say something to bring another down for our own good....the wall gets higher...Who we really are becomes more and more hidden until we become a completely different person. Fours especially have very little tolerance for that.

What you read in my posts...is probably more "me" than anybody in the "real world" knows. When I'm writing here, its as if I'm writing to a faceless name. "Hal." Who the hell is Hal? I have no idea! "Amanda" Who the hell is that? That's beyond me. That's at least when I'm writing. When I read someone's post, though, they become real...they have a soul, they have a mind...something moved them to write whetever they wrote, and they become human. Its so much easier to reach out to someone you can't see..

"Hey you! Out there on the road,
Always doing what you're told, can you help me?
Hey you! Out there beyond the wall, breaking bottles in the hall, can you help me?
Hey You! Don't tell me there's no hope at all..
Together we stand, divided we fall."

Isn't that what's going on here?

if you want to find out what's behind these cold eyes, you'll just have to claw your way through this disguise

Do you see what I'm getting at here?

Follow Ups:

• Re: Now, now.... Ev 16:35:13 8/27/99 (1)
  • Re: Now, now.... Rachel 17:34:48 8/28/99 (0)

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