Re: As requested..

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: : : I always read and often respond. Unfortunately, I think I ought to quit asking people what they think I should do, when I know full well that I can't do it. : : : I do it all the time. I complain about something, people resond with sound advice, and I convince myself that, although its good advice, I just can't do it.... : : : : : Excellent advice, Jasper! It sounds very much like you're depressed, Matches, and just don't want to admit it to yourself. For me, this always came out as a lack of motivation. : : : I have little problem admitting to myself that I'm depressed. But I wonder am I depressed partly because of my lack of motivation, or is it more what you said, my depression that has infected my will. : : : : : : : : The only suggestion I would add is to find what it is that you truly care about. There must be something, probably several things. Then take this and do as Jasper has suggested--just go out and do it, even if you don't feel like it. The love comes after the committment, not before; but there is probably a small amount of caring to be found first, which can lead you in the right direction. : : : This is all well and good, but nothing I really care about matters to anyone. In the original post I used the phrase "societal value." Nothing I care about has anything to do with anyone else. All I do is "play." Instead of writing papers for class, I write scripts for movies that will never be filmed. Instead of going to work and making some cash, I scan the internet for the latest hockey news. : : : : : One more suggestion (yeah, I know I said I only had one...) I've found a great deal of value in getting involved in the community and doing things for others. Again, it's good even though you don't feel like it. It helps you to get out of yourself when you focus on what you can do for others, and an activity makes it easier to meet people. Just go into it without any expectations, and do it for its own sake. It takes some amount of faith to find the motivation to go through with this, and my own faith is not at all strong much of the time. So from one sometimes depressed, often faithless person to another, give it a try. :-) : : : : : - Hal - : : : Again, the earth would have to open at my feet for me to get off my ass (can I say ass?) and do something like that. Heck, today I wanted to go up to the mall, (about a 2 minute drive) to see the new stores. I didn't. Why not? I don't know.... I WANTED to....just never did... : : : : Great add ons Hal. Now we can only hope Matches reads them--and maybe responds to us. I have tested out your theory in actuality--community service. It works. By helping others, you take the focus off yourself without even realizing it because you're totally invested in the other person(s). Then before you know it, the others are thanking you so much for caring, and that of course boosts your own self esteem. : : : : : : Again, all great points. But again I have to say, I ought to stop asking for advice, because it only points out more things that I SHOULD do to improve things, but never will. And that just gets me a little more upset. : : : : : : Sorry : : No apologies necessary. I really feel for you, Matches. I've been there and I'm fortunate I'm not there anymore. I just wish I knew a better way to help. : : "Should" is a terrible word. It make us feel guilty and inadequate. It puts pressure on us that we just don't need. It has the potential to make us more upset. I wish I had an alternative word, but all the ones people have told me always meant the same thing. Must do, the right thing to do, have to do, called to do, they're all different faces on should when we're in a place like this. : : I believe that the lack of motivation comes from the depression, not the other way around. This has been my experience with it. And I know you must feel as though we're just throwing advice at you, telling you what to do. That's not at all my intention, as I know how maddening it is. There's often a fine line between offering support and dishing out advice, and I'm sorry if I crossed it. I saw your questions and automatically began suggesting ways out; I should have seen how difficult things have been for you, and just offered my support. I hope you know that you have it. : : I'd like to be able to show you that things won't always be this way, and that you will come through this. But I know it doesn't help you to hear that, and you probably have a hard time believing it right now. More than anything, I want to say that I know what you're going through. It's a terrible place to be, and I'm sorry you're there, and sorry I can't do more for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. : : I guess all I really have to offer for advice is this: try to remain open and fully present in whatever you do or don't do. Let it all in, and let it all out. With openness, something will change. : : - Hal - : Matches, I echo the great things that Hal has just spoken, and want to apologize. There was never any pressure on your part to do any of the things mentioned above, remember that. I know this feeling very well. Although I am a moody person just like a four, just about every person that meets me finds me to be a cheery, supportive kinda guy. So you can imagine how surprised and scared I was just six years ago to find myself clinically depressed. I first thought it was the flu, couldn't get out of bed to go to work, and I never miss work. I even started to become like the obsessive compulsive One people, scrubbing the bathroom and kitchen like crazy. My friend took me to a restaurant to try to bring me out, and I sat there looking at all the happy people smiling, engaged in conversation, and wanted to run out of there back home and crawl into bed. I was even in this one act play for an acting class and we were filming this scene, and all the while I am speaking my lines as the happy son with a southern accent, I am so depressed inside and want to kill myself. : But let me tell you one thing about us fours, the enneagram books describe it as a negative, but in times like these it is truly a positive. This notion that we withdraw inside ourselves to find ourselves. When we are feeling fine this is probably not the thing to do. But when we are depressed it is the first antidote. By withdrawing inside myself, I wanted so much to understand why I was so depressed and unmotivated. I sought out a Korean Herbalist, got involved with aromatherapy, and vitamins, learned about L-Tyrosine and St. Johns Wart for blocking depression, bought a book on the subject. Finally, I went to a psychologist for just one session. What he said was, "you need to express yourself, you are repressing your feelings, and this is causing the depression.'' Being a four, this makes perfect sense. I took a musical theater class, terrified of singing in front of others, but it got all those bottled up feelings out there and put me on the road to recovery. : It doesn't matter what you do, and I know you don't feel like doing anything now. Totally okay. But I will tell you this. That when you do--and trust me you will--go out there to engage with the world--even in the smallest way possible, you will start to feel better. Have you tried singing in the shower? Or jumping and singing in your room with the tape, record or CD player on? You'd be amazed what singing or dance, or just exercising does. Jumping rope is the best cardio and stimulates the endorphins. It's cheap and easy, all you need are 1 to 10 minutes. I do it about two to three times per week. Singing and exercising are two of those 100 Ways to Motivate Yourself in that book I mentioned. It doesn't matter what your voice sounds like either. We were all amateurs in that class I took. Also, what about a community support group? : You know I gotta stop. Because here I am giving you advice again. I am sorry again. We are just reaching out. When you are unmotivated you are unmotivated and you've got to work through the process to unblock yourself. But some of what Hal and I mentioned above will really pull you out--but, yes, when you are ready to.

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