Wired - It must be me

Posted by Sam on September 10, 1999 at 22:44:24:

I am curious how many on this board are the youngest in birth order.
I have plexed over why I am so introspective and wanting, when my older
brothers (2) are settled, possess no inclination to question - roll on
with life...it must be me - wired so differently.

How to change the wiring? I believe that as a babe, we all tried to
move, shift, think that If I did this... then maybe I will be affirmed... I
am not valuable - because of who I am...day in day out, minute by minute,
while our little brain was taking shape. (Like Summer, painfully experiencing
something far beyond her control, but for her, she says 'because of me' I didn't...)

Affirmation was conditoned upon meeting an undefined expectation, and if we shifted
enough we would eventually get a 'hit' of love, affection. Wired early to shift,
bob weave the 'me'... never having a chance to affirm who me may be

Had Summer been hired, 'got the job' where would her emotional place be?
Higher than the highest kite could fly. Oh why, why must this come from
outside us, why? These words: confidence, fears, inhibitions ... I am
confident, I am fearless - except for my emotions. Emotionally fearful,
unconfident. I can face and speak to crowds, I can be face to face with
argument, discussing principals but to be emotionally connected is
so big, my spirt withers and hides, cowering in the dark shelter of my
mask. Bring me light!

Many on this board have spoken to ways of stopping the ruminations, being
aware and in the present helps - in the moment, for the moment, so like
an addiction, do we live each moment, being vigilent? Can't do it, just
can't. Such vigilence in a lonely place is painful

Follow Ups:

• Let there be light ! Amanda :) 12:34:41 9/11/99 (4)
  • Fours Gift Sam 16:26:43 9/11/99 (3)
    • Re: Fours Gift Rachel 15:42:22 9/12/99 (2)
      • Re: Fours Gift Jasper 10:50:19 9/13/99 (1)
        • I love this thread... Hal 16:28:45 9/13/99 (0)

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