Re: Various meanderings through the internal life....

Posted by Ev on September 13, 1999 at 11:54:58:

In Reply to: Various meanderings through the internal life.... posted by PseudoName on September 11, 1999 at 16:05:59:

: Hello all...

: How goes it?

: Re - sensitivity to criticism and honesty. I think it is precisely because, fours are so extremely self-critical, that things on the outside 'scrape' so harshly.
: There is no inner - hmmm - air bag, if you will. Pressure on the inside, and a little on the outside, and voila, explosion or implosion....

Sounds like an accurate description of the internal/external interface and how it impacts us. No inner airbag...I like that!

: I find I go through cycles of feeling very strong and very weak, that are of course reflected in the outer world ( as within, so without, yada yada yada). There is never any in between. I'm not talking about a manic/depressive state, but rather of cycles of renewal and depletion... The first time in my adult life, that I hit a weak period, terrified me. I still don't like it, but I am slowly learning to come to an accomodation with myself and the cycles of my life/being.... I find though, that when I am weak, I fall to the threeish side. When strong, I definitely go to one.

I don't know that I've had as great a swing between the extremes as you describe. Right now I'm fairly stable and happy. During these periods it's like I'm able to block out even the memories of the dark times. When I find myself in depression once again, which is just a matter of time, I will be able to vividly recall every dark period of my life. So, I guess that in this sense, I *do* have pretty major swings.

: Strength, as I define it? Resilience. Compassion. Truth. The outward life renewed by what is within. A phrase hit me right between the eyes, a few months ago, "Pick your battles". Sun Tzu, I believe.

: Connection... I want it, I don't want it. I love beginnings, get bored in the middle, and can't wait to leave at the end... love does not seem to have any effect on this process, only the intensity of it. This holds true in almost all my relationships, platonic or non. How is it with the rest of fourdom, to borrow a phrase from Amanda.

Oh God, I've got a Doctorate in the push/pull attention cycle. If it's something that I can't have or that can only be had at great price, I want it badly...for a while. After a bit of time passes, I don't care how much I previously wanted a thing, it begins to lose its appeal. Toward the end I very much have a "break & run" mentality. Get out no matter the cost! Love draws me back again only to repeat the cycle. Very sad!!

Ev

: PN

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