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An Overwhelming Feeling

An Overwhelming Feeling

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Posted by Jasper on September 13, 1999 at 14:24:00:

The greatest thing about this message board is finding people in the world who love to talk about their feelings. Think about it. Try talking about how you feel with people you meet a dinner party, or outside of class, or work. Anyway, I'm grateful to have shared past thoughts with you all and to eavesdrop on other threads between you.

* * *

Something that has happened to me over the course of my life, but have actually paid attention to it more as I have gotten older. Wonder if anyone can interpret? And if it's a bad thing, can tell me ways to counterract.

I notice it happen mostly as we approach a weekend. On days when I have a million things to do, it doesn't happen. I am a very disciplined person about keeping up with the day-to-day chores and can't begin to enjoy myself [even emotionally in my head] until they are done. But say, I wake up on a Saturday, it's a beautiful day, a week of work is behind me, I have this glorious day ahead of me, and as always in a city there are lots of things to do. But instead, I walk around, as if in a daze, never able to fine tune how I want the day to unfold, but hoping, wishing, searching for...I don't know, something magical to happen (for lack of a better phrase). While I am walking, I find myself doing something I was always told as a child was bad form--I find myself a voyeur staring at people going about their, sometimes they catch me looking into their eyes as they pass me, and I look away at the last second in tremendous fear. But I am getting something positive (I don't know what it is) from looking at them and even overhearing bits and pieces of their conversations. They all seem so caught up in what they are doing, and I find myself wondering where they go off to, what happens to them after I pass, as if there is some secret going on in the City they know but won't tell me of.

At the end of this day, maybe I go out for dinner by myself (unlike some people I am not afraid to go to movies, plays, or restaurants by myself). I usually appear very relaxed by this point, those my feelings won't calm down. If I choose a fast food or store front type place, these feelings seem to short circuit themselves, but many times I might choose a comfortable restaurant or old movie palace with old fashioned decor, and then I find myself behaving again like James Stewart in Vertigo. If the evening is particularly warm (heat of summer) or very cold (deep winter), full moon out, I walk, knowing this and, with not much to do, I should go home, but I find myself taking the long way home deliberately so that I can pass a bunch of places I used to go, to see if they are still there, or have been torn down and replaced. I again watch people, fascinated by their very being, look, dress and conversation.

Then I come home, usually feeling (gosh I don't know the feeling--not depressed, not exhilarated, somewhere in the middle). If I happen to see people who I know from the past and they remember me, I am not so in my depths I fail to say hello, and they certainly don't detect anything from my pleasantness. It's usually very fast small talk. Then I walk on.

I live near a lake and find myself sometimes going there to sit on the large rocks and stare out to sea. Another place I gravitate toward when in the suburbs is a large park with a walking path around it, that was a garbage dump when I was a child. I go to this park to walk the perimeter because all sorts of feelings come up for when I walk it, but they never come into focus enough for me to understand why I am walking. All I know is this place is peaceful and beautiful with swing sets and tennis courts and a couple of ponds, and I find myself trying to ask questions as I walk it. Six years I returned to my old elementary school when I was very depressed (the only time in my life this depressed) and walked around the place, feeling very comforted somehow on the playground.

Strange huh? Am I describing something fourish? Nineish? or Alien? (as in hey kid, when is your return trip to Pluto?)

Follow Ups:

Re: An Overwhelming Feeling--Thanks for Responding Jasper 14:35:30 9/14/99 (0)
Re: An Overwhelming Feeling Ev 19:28:44 9/13/99 (1)
- Re: An Overwhelming Feeling Hal 13:35:51 9/14/99 (0)
Re: An Overwhelming Feeling tiggy 17:28:00 9/13/99 (0)
Re: An Overwhelming Feeling Ronnie 16:20:23 9/13/99 (0)

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: The greatest thing about this message board is finding people in the world who love to talk about their feelings. Think about it. Try talking about how you feel with people you meet a dinner party, or outside of class, or work. Anyway, I'm grateful to have shared past thoughts with you all and to eavesdrop on other threads between you. : * * * : Something that has happened to me over the course of my life, but have actually paid attention to it more as I have gotten older. Wonder if anyone can interpret? And if it's a bad thing, can tell me ways to counterract. : I notice it happen mostly as we approach a weekend. On days when I have a million things to do, it doesn't happen. I am a very disciplined person about keeping up with the day-to-day chores and can't begin to enjoy myself [even emotionally in my head] until they are done. But say, I wake up on a Saturday, it's a beautiful day, a week of work is behind me, I have this glorious day ahead of me, and as always in a city there are lots of things to do. But instead, I walk around, as if in a daze, never able to fine tune how I want the day to unfold, but hoping, wishing, searching for...I don't know, something magical to happen (for lack of a better phrase). While I am walking, I find myself doing something I was always told as a child was bad form--I find myself a voyeur staring at people going about their, sometimes they catch me looking into their eyes as they pass me, and I look away at the last second in tremendous fear. But I am getting something positive (I don't know what it is) from looking at them and even overhearing bits and pieces of their conversations. They all seem so caught up in what they are doing, and I find myself wondering where they go off to, what happens to them after I pass, as if there is some secret going on in the City they know but won't tell me of. : At the end of this day, maybe I go out for dinner by myself (unlike some people I am not afraid to go to movies, plays, or restaurants by myself). I usually appear very relaxed by this point, those my feelings won't calm down. If I choose a fast food or store front type place, these feelings seem to short circuit themselves, but many times I might choose a comfortable restaurant or old movie palace with old fashioned decor, and then I find myself behaving again like James Stewart in Vertigo. If the evening is particularly warm (heat of summer) or very cold (deep winter), full moon out, I walk, knowing this and, with not much to do, I should go home, but I find myself taking the long way home deliberately so that I can pass a bunch of places I used to go, to see if they are still there, or have been torn down and replaced. I again watch people, fascinated by their very being, look, dress and conversation. : Then I come home, usually feeling (gosh I don't know the feeling--not depressed, not exhilarated, somewhere in the middle). If I happen to see people who I know from the past and they remember me, I am not so in my depths I fail to say hello, and they certainly don't detect anything from my pleasantness. It's usually very fast small talk. Then I walk on. : I live near a lake and find myself sometimes going there to sit on the large rocks and stare out to sea. Another place I gravitate toward when in the suburbs is a large park with a walking path around it, that was a garbage dump when I was a child. I go to this park to walk the perimeter because all sorts of feelings come up for when I walk it, but they never come into focus enough for me to understand why I am walking. All I know is this place is peaceful and beautiful with swing sets and tennis courts and a couple of ponds, and I find myself trying to ask questions as I walk it. Six years I returned to my old elementary school when I was very depressed (the only time in my life this depressed) and walked around the place, feeling very comforted somehow on the playground. : Strange huh? Am I describing something fourish? Nineish? or Alien? (as in hey kid, when is your return trip to Pluto?)

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