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Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive 4 and 8 meet at point 5Posted by Elizabeth on June 21, 2001 at 02:17:44: Since this is an introspective post... I've giving it to the 4 board. I need to clear my head and move on to the next thing. So I'm going to lay a few COVERT thoughts out straight and just let it be. For some damn strange reason, I'm pretty vigilant in how I look after my people. Truly not healthy for me. I give so much and no one sees my invisible gifts. I'm always so focused on making the best choices for everyone else even when it means cutting myself off. Not that I need acknowledgment... but I do NEED... and I've got to recognize my need since no one else does. Can't sit around ignoring that I'm starving. Though it's easy since I don't feel hunger pains anymore. How does a person learn to be blind? Can I poke out my iNtuitive eye? I see far too much. I watch everything... study... feel there is only a short time to learn a great deal. All my attempts at blind selfishness fail. I am unable to be angry when being angry is exactly what I need to be. I can't self-deceive. All I can do is minimize the number of people in my care in order to keep we few alive. Protect my charges against the hard environment. I always think I need to work on being selfish. The best I seem to be able to do is numb or callous. What I really need is someone to give to me or at the very least, someone who can take care of themselves and let me rest. I forget this is why I went so long without people in my life. There has to be some kind of workable situation. I need to stop making bad investments. I don't need to save the suffering and the misguided. Life is beautiful but it is also so cold. How do I feel about that? I have no idea.
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