Re: Welcome back

Posted by tiggy on September 14, 1999 at 00:39:09:

In Reply to: Welcome back posted by Sam on September 13, 1999 at 22:59:54:

Dear Sam,

I think I want to marry you!

Your messages are always such a comfort, especially after reading a horrible message from Derf. It is now 5.20am. and despite feeling really tired i have been unable to sleep - keep thinking about the situation at Maryvale and how awful it will be to have to go up there again. i think my parents will have to stay nearby for that weekend. that was the worst thing, the people i had thought were my friends and trusted, just ignoring me, treating me with contempt. i felt like in Kafka's metamorphosis,which in case you don't know is about people's inability to cope with another's suffering,
'One morning, Gregor Samsa awoke to find he had turned into a giant insect'
At first his family feel sorry for him, but this quickly turns to disgust.

I had been so much happier. now this has reconfirmed all my feelings of being a bad person. I don't quite know how to fight against that. i came back on here after having tried to sleep, thinking there might be some messages and it would cheer me, only to find a horrible message saying I sounded like a loser. I know I'm a fighter. I felt safe on here till now. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't headed it 'Dearest Rachel' - I thought he was going to say something nice. Jonathan used to say things of the 'pull your self up by your own boot laces' variety - until he had a nervous breakdown and realised the limitations of the intellect. It was me that helped him overcome his agraphobia and start driving his car again. Coming to terms with my past seems such a struggle. Trying to realise that i am not a bad person because I wasn't loved as a baby. I became disillusioned so early and so filled with anger at being abandoned. It's hard to shed something so formative; my brain was still forming then, and they filled it with drugs because I cried too much. The things Derf is saying are completely irrational. They bear no correlation with medical knowledge. i hope I can be safe here. it has meant a lot to me,

I'll try to go to sleep now before it gets light,

Love Tiggy.

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