Re: Its my "Me and Them" mentality

Posted by Jasper on September 14, 1999 at 11:13:11:

In Reply to: Its my "Me and Them" mentality posted by Cory on September 13, 1999 at 22:33:24:

: I don't know exactly where the alienation and xenophobia stems from...its like I look at them, and a feeling of repulsion overwhelms me. As well I have a very strong 5-wing...in most enneagram tests I either score a 4 or 5, but I am at the core a four. Of course, maybe it was the traditional envy that hangs around a four's heart which made me spite them...seeing they were all rather joyful and with the company of people who cared about them, contrasted with my depressed and isolated self. However, I'm not going to necessarily credit them...I hate the masses mainly because of their superficiality. People give me odd looks when I tell them I don't like sports..."No, I'm not your normal male". Then they get an even odder look when I mention my interests in philosophy and literature. Like I mentioned in my other post, I don't think I ever met a Four (or even a Five!) in real life. Fortunately, I do have the internet and converse with nice people like you, so its not all that bad. Well, I'm expecting that new Riso-Hudson book on my doorstep tomorrow (another good reason for the net!) and would like to talk with you all about it! :)

: -Cory

Cory, even though I am not from California your background and thoughts remind me of myself. I too suffered the "sports thing," having grown up on a street with athletic kids consumed by playing sports come rain or shine. I wasn't a philosopher per say, but I was withdrawn into listening to records, watching TV and movies, and reading lots of books. I can't pass by the old library without being overcome by an overwhelming sense of nostalgia, and desiring to go back into that place and sit in the childrens section on those tiny chairs if just for little while.

I just read Don Riso's new book, the Wisdom of the Enneagram, and it covers everything, with suggestions on how to become the best of your number.

I don't know if you read my message on "that overwhelming feeling" but in different ways we are conveying a similarity. I am looking at people I see on the street and think I am missing something they have (envy) and you are looking at them and thinking you have something special that they don't have. Whether one of believes he doesn't have enough and the other believes those others are mundane and incomplete, the similarity is that we both see ourselves as outsiders, and therein lies our distress, the feeling of not belonging.

Realize a couple of things. First, that if you see yourself as unique, heartfelt, and wanting to embrace humanity in a special kind of way, Disneyland is going to make you feel terrible about the human condition. I was in Disneyworld on a business trip in 1993 and I walked around feeling so outside it all, with moms and dads pushing their kids in strollers. I talked to a friend of mine about it who I think is a four. He said his extended family is planning to retire to Orlando and want him to move there and get a job. He told me "No way!" Point being--you are not alone in your thinking. This same feeling would come over you if you went to certain shopping malls that are kid-friendly too. I has with me. When I find myself at a place like that (can't always avoid it), and it pulls down your mood, as such things will do to fours, what you need to do is become aware of this and, the next day, go to the art museum, or take your journal to the hippy coffee house, or have a philosophical conversation on your net site with those people--it will pull you out.

Remember, fours think their feelings are them at all times. No. Your feelings are only how you are at the moment. They shift like the tides. You put yourself in the opposite kind of place from a Disneyland you will see them shift. Don't try to shift those feelings, it will happen automatically when you chance locations. Fours take in their atmosphere on an unconscious level, which is why we can shift moods so quickly without realizing it. Becoming aware of this and accepting that IT IS OKAY, NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, AND THAT ALL THE OTHER FOURS ARE PRONE is the first step toward getting a smile on your face.

The last thing you said that hit a chord with me was about how you have wondered whether you have ever met any fours in your life, before you joined this message board. Wow. I have wondered the same thing. I have met plenty of threes and sevens, though, and let me tell you the superficiality really gets to me. All the women in my family are a version of two, and can be so smothering if I don't create some distance. Eights and ones have been my mean teachers and bosses. I am sure I have met some fives and sixes,as I usually feel like I want to protect them from the world harm. But fours? I am sure you and I have met fours. You know how you can tell. When you start talking to a four and you feel a biochemical change in your head, like the endorphin high you get from intense exercise. I got the feeling last night in an acting class when the woman sitting next to me started a conversation about past classes I've taken. I felt this amazing high within the first two or three sentences out of her mouth and knew she was a four. This rarely happens to me in conversation with people--they are not fours. So that when it does happen to you, you will feel it in your body. In acting we learn to trust the body, as it knows what's going on at the gut level before your brain gets a chance to kick in with all that negativity. You have met fours, though probably not a lot of them, and hence the sadness of it all. But keep the faith. You are a good person, don't forget that. --J

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