Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive
Re: Hurt
Re: Hurt
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Posted by Ronnie on September 19, 1999 at 07:41:59:
In Reply to: Hurt posted by tigs. on September 19, 1999 at 01:09:43:
It's interesting, the way you say "It's hard for me NOT to trust people" My
set of mind is completely different, I often (and especially when I'm depressed
as I now was) genuinely think it's a dog-eat-dog world out there and no one
cares about you. I feel I'm both broken, unable to take care of myself and
that no one else, NO ONE is either doing that or caring about me. I'm expendable,
waiting to be tossed away while the stronger, more able and better people
pass by. I feel very alone, not in the sense that there wouldn't be people around, but
that I can't trust anyone. The moment I start showing signs of not being able
to keep up, people will abandon me. I feel I'd be an idiot to trust anyone
for support, I'm the only one I can trust. I lose my ability to be assertive
for myself and withdraw. Tiggy, you said talked about that on this board you can't see tears in people's
eyes, or if their eyes look scared or injured or anger keeps them awake at
night. My problem is that you really can't see it much face-to-face in me.
I've sometimes thought my face shows what's inside like an open book, then
saw a reflection of my face somewhere and been shocked about how little emotion
there's to be seen. I personally find it very difficult to convey my thoughts, because I'm so
highly intuitive. Many times people say something that's not quite right,
I know it isn't but explaining why not takes incredibly lot of time. I usually
find it out, but if I say it in a conversation or a dispute, the best I can
come up with is "It just makes me feel that way." That's one of the reasons
why I often withdraw when I'd have something to say, so in that sense I'm
a withdrawing person. About the arguments on this board, I was surprised to see that my words had
such a strong effect on Summer. I thought I was barely getting through. It's
typical feeling to me anyway, I often find that no matter what I say, people
are ignoring me or not even listening. My basic frame of mind is that no
one cares, I'm meaningless and no matter what I say, it doesn't make people
listen to me. Sometimes I feel there is no way on this earth I can find a
way to be assertive enough, when I try, people just either look at me briefly,
keeping on talking with each other or then start staring at some wall or papers
or whatever. So I was very surprised to see my words had such an effect, I
thought it was going to be ignored--that's why the subject line was what it
was, to attract at least some attention. My basic outlook on life is that it's a dog-eat-dog world out there--I have
to "fight" all the time to keep up with others, if I lose it's my own fault
and there's nothing anyone else is gonna do about it. Every time I don't
manage to do something I should, I've lost, proven to be weak and useless.
Yet at the same time I think it's too much, I just can't keep up with all
you people, it's just too much to handle. That's why I often get depressed,
want withdraw and never see daylight again. Ronnie
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