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Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive Re: HurtPosted by Ronnie on September 20, 1999 at 18:22:13: In Reply to: Re: Hurt posted by Tiggy on September 19, 1999 at 20:06:41: Me a 'confident leader figure here'? I mean, I didn't know what kind of comments to expect, but that came definitely out of the blue. I've always thought leader qualities are just what I don't have. There just are certain things I can't understand in myself and others: Why do others seem to be able to connect so easily? They just say something to each other and "understand". If I try to say something, people just fall silent and look lost. It bothers me a lot, often. I never try to assume a role, and try not to be anything else I feel inside at the moment. What is there I feel I have to keep up with? A simple answer--everything. Keeping an eye on what you can do about a situation? I often feel my chances are a) shouting my way b) fighting my way, but in both cases I feel I'd be overpowered very quickly, because I have no one backing me up. I feel inside I only care about myself. You and everyone else may or may not agree, but that's what I feel. I'm being selfish. Do I trust my family and my mom? Well, if "trusting" is sharing everything personal, looking for support and so on, no. I can't remember the last time I've told about my personal problems to either of my parents. Or anyone else in my family. That's why I spend so much time on this board, because this is the place where I went out what I have inside. I don't definitely feel close to my mother, somewhat more to my father. I know my father pretty much knows how I think and we do have things in common, but this is a more recent thing, we were all the time pretty much at odds before I was 17 or so. But my mother--let's put it this way: A common joke is that a tough-guy superhero or a villain faces something he can't deal with and starts asking for his mother. I've never understood the joke, really, because I know I wouldn't. I'd probably be thinking like "I should've been more prepared" or something like that. Actually the abandonment thing seems a bit alien to me, because I don't remember or know of losing something in the four way. "What happened, I was so happy, I'm not anymore". In my memories it's always been "don't give in!" I definitely don't trust strangers. I'd rather look for a map, get lost, find the map and orientate to some place I want to find, rather than asking someone for advice. Not because "Of course *I* know", but because you really can't trust someone to give you correct instructions. Furthermore, that person could find out you're more or less lost and use the situation in his/her advantage. In general what I feel is that there's always someone who knows better, has more experience, is more capable and whatever. That person is going to show everyone how to do what I've been trying to do and humiliate me for thinking so much of myself. Sometimes I feel very cold inside and it seems anger is the only feeling I can experience and express. Ronnie
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