Re: To Ronnie - some thoughts.

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: Hi Tiggy, this is a long one too. : I think most people aren't on my wavelenght, not even on the same waveband. : I suppose it is easier to be an eccentric over there, I feel that if I tried that people would be even more confused. I sometimes joke about myself, and it again seems to leave people even colder, laffin at myself. : :I can just remember them all laughing at me, and feeling like an outsider. : I can remember those feelings too, sort of others saying to me: "Oh, so cute! Now hush, as the adults are speaking business". Maybe it has something to do with me being the youngest child. : I do know when I've met someone who's at the same frequency, it's just like understanding precisely where the other person is coming from, identifying with him/her. It doesn't matter if they are from the other side of the globe, with different cultural background, it still works. : I've never thought of myself as "deeper" or "wiser", it has always been just "strange" to me. : : someone is gonna take an advantage of that. : : : : Why? How? Why would they want to? If you can't 'keep up' (and maybe you could give some examples of what you mean by that) can't you just say to people, 'Well, there are other things that are more important to me'? Is the culture over there really so competitive? What sort of things do they do when they take advantage? : I can't say "something else is more important", as it's perceived as just a weak excuse for not being able to do something. Actually, people very rarely do take an advantage of me in reality, I just feel like they are about to. Not being able to keep up is just a general feeling, that whenever I don't manage to get something done right, am not participating "enough" (all this according to my own, probably unrealistic standards) I am falling behind and I end up being ditched somewhere. : : It seems no matter what I do, I'm putting people off, making them resent me, fear me or just think I'm stupid. : : Learn to be centred, rather than shouting or fighting. Be sure of yourself and your reasons and where you are coming from. Also, not leaving it till you're steaming is something I've recently learned. : "No matter what I do", even if I try to be friendly at some times. This is often the same as in the situation you discribed in the response to "Novels?" : : : I saw a kinesiologist the other day, and she said I was a pioneer. I guess having a role to play, gives us more firmness in putting forward our viewpoints. : Having a role of a kind helps a lot in putting yourself forward. I've never been as sure of myself as in the Navy when I had a senior position over others. When I have no reference point (as right now I feel I don't) : it's very hard for me to know what I am. : : and humiliate me : : Humiliate and the fear of being taken advantage of, seem to be the key things here; the latter being a strong Five wing. Can you identify why these two things might be so central to your thinking. I know my earliest memories are of humiliation. Is 'shame' a key word for you? : : I'm sorry you aren't close to your mother. Why do you think that is? What is she like. Does she have trouble expressing emotions? Did she hug you much? Jonathan's family are not at all physical with each other, and it's given him problems. I can't imagine a little boy not being hugged. : I think I have a three wing, but I do indentify with the five side a lot...but then again, 3w4 sometimes comes across as a five (according to Riso), having those same preferences might make the technical detailing difficult. Or maybe I have influences of both wings, which is possible too. : Ok, something about my mother...a few things that I remember from earliest childhood are her saying "You're not growing up, you're getting worse", telling me to "behave yourself", as some other kids around did. And another thing is her staring out the window when I was on the yard playing with others, looking stern and worried (at the same time) and saying "I didn't like what you did..." Did she hug me? I can't remember any single time when I was a kid. She did when I graduated from high school, that's the only time I can remember. (A friend's mother did it more naturally, though) I've talked with a few women just turned fifty and they've always asked "What does your mother think of you doing this or that", I know her opinion about drinking, smoking and some other things but I really don't care. About personal issues, well, she doesn't know what's going on in my life. What she's like? An average to unhealthy 2w1. : : To me the healthy method of venting anger is to either be truthful about someone--not abusive but truthful, in the way of removing those masks. Either that or playing the guitar/listening to music. No, I don't mean any classical stuff, rather something like Metallica/Motörhead/Pantera or similar. Yes, it's very important that other people can accept the anger. When I was younger, I was always told (at home) that there's no reason to be "upset" while I was practically fuming with anger. And that "upset" always managed to get my pressure even higher, because it was so incredibly patronizing. Maybe it was because of my parents' personalities, I'm pretty sure that my mother really is a 2w1 and my father probably is a 1w9. : : Tigs. PS. See short response to Novels? further down. : Yes, I did, and it sort of made me think of one time when I was in a pub having a beer. There was a group of two women and one fella close by, and I noticed the woman closer to me was looking at me. She just kept looking, so I turned towards to her and said to her "Good evening". She kept looking at me, straight into my eyes, then turned away and didn't say anything. Then she whispered something to the other woman, they both glanced at me and started giggling about something. Guess if I felt humiliated? Of course it didn't occur to me that I was the one behaving like a sane person there, not them. A similar thing has occured other times, I've greeted people but they've reacted as if I wasn't there. One of the situations where I've been dismissed as I've told before. : About the books, I study it all: American literature, British literature, everything related to English, basically. You have to note that "English" refers to the language here, not the country. There are 6 set books in the stage one we can choose from, three has to be read. I'm reading "Heart of Darkness" now I have yet to choose two. (can't remember the choices without checking the list) : Ronnie

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