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Enneagram Type 4 Board Archive out of my diary (I think I can post that here, you'll like it maybe :))Posted by observer on March 25, 2002 at 03:39:06: 25.3.2002 I believe that my way is to go through things as they happen, usually. I don't know if this way is right one but at least it keeps me alive and I catch lot's of experience along the way. I know that what I'm experiencing is nothing usual, nothing of the everyday-kind, perhaps it would be a worthy point in life where to somehow finish myself. I see that in the late time I might have build myself up, and this building oneself up has its border. But in some way I could also say to myself that I've gotten overdoses of exactly that unusual stuff. Would be a valid way of getting over things and begin something different. But I know that nothing would change that I'm going through exactly what I'm going through. Not because I wouldn't want to change that but because it's obviously not meant to be changed. If some things were different, if I had more artistic talents and perhaps more ressources, I could go out trying to change by impressing people with truth, both found truth and created truth, which to me is not the same. Created truth can become found truth, but it's still somewhat different, because while the finders are equals the creators aren't. I know for sure that I must respect what is going to happen, if only to respect that part of myself which has promised that in some sense quite a while ago. [I know that what I'm writing here maybe doesn't tell much to you, I wrote it for myself, mainly. Whom I was thinking about was mainly a woman that looks a bit like Madonna, a man that looks like Jim Morrison, and myself, too. WHat I'm seeing is that I'm overcoming that issue and I'm happy about that.] Life is either being created by itself or trying to form it which at the end probably looks as if it meant the same but I believe that I can somehow make tthe difference, at least for myself. The secret of taking part, guess that's the one which is both aim and purpose ... some might say it's a real choice. Once in my life I chose wisdom to be somewhat superior and now I'm getting to know what a hard path this can be. I believe that this creates a very attractive way of thinking over time, it can attract people and this also leads to responsibility. And responsibility sometimes means work and burden. In some quirky sense I know that my way of thinking also creates a burden ... I always take certain things so earnest and exactly that can make another burden. Sometimes it's better to make other people help myself and in this way let myself be changed rather than trying to be the first in doing so. [I know that such stuff might seem rather every-day kind, but it were thoughts about a particular subject ... I'm not trying to be all too wise here.] I always valued brilliancy highly ... just to give an example: At one message board someone asked from whom that statement came that one can't step into the same river twice and someone answered that with "Aquaphobius" and I really loved that thing though it was just a joke. I must admit that I have a quirky way of admiring brilliance, has something to do with what I think of as the truth. Still I know that this is just a part of life. The island ... do I rather want to get there or do I want to create myself one? The main thing is to get there ... someone who creates an island will always be there. Other people are one, too, but I believe that there's a bigger one out there where many people wanted to go in their lifes. Maybe I'm at the shores ... but I can't differ if I arrived at the big one or at the hypothetical one. Sometimes life has a way with us that is pretty odd ... once I adored a woman with a huge weight so much that it came to the question if I would follow, and right now it seems as if this question leads me to becoming like her in some sense, live a bit like her, understand things a bit like her and probably also do her mistakes. In any sense, she left a big mark within myself. [She'd already done so, and I think I lived in a way that made me get even more marks ... as if I had wanted that.] I always overcome, but this always leads me back to see what happened. I think I've already riddled out what had to be riddled out and I guess I must be satisfied with the outcome.[:)] Some people want fame and I want fame, and that's all about it. [If I still want fame I don't know, you have a chance to proof me that I'm wrong.] [I leave some passages out here now ... when I reread them they seem to make no sense, they're rather a patchwork and an example for how I'm almost always ending up with notes instead of a continous work.] Days ago an aim was set for me, the name "Baruch". I've looked it up in the lexikon and found out that he'd been a friend and a companion in suffering of the prophet Jeremiah and felt spoken to, immediately. It was written that he had been collecting some apocryphic scriptures and perhaps these could tell us what we need to know in the mentioned matter. A way to close things, too. A poem of yesterday afternoon: I give in and walk away +
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