Re: As a 9......

Posted by 4w5 INTJ on April 18, 2002 at 15:27:19:

In Reply to: As a 9...... posted by froggyTheFrog (9w1) on April 18, 2002 at 14:31:45:

Yeah.. we have sort of gone through this before, last March/April in fact, which makes me wonder whether there is something in her past which makes her depressive around this time. I didn't know it, but from her words now it looks like she went through a period of blaming me then, too, but didn't do much besides emotionally withdraw at that time because we were sort of forced by circumstances to live together. We came through it, but our relationship has been rather weak since then. The whole problem I have with her is that there has never been any resolution of our conflicts. It's impossible to get her to open up and speak.

I'm trying to "lay off" her as she requested. The less we talk, the fonder she seems to get for me, which makes me sort of hopeful. Still, if she does decide she wants to continue this relationship with me, I don't want it to be a mistake for her. I am going to therapy, and I think it would be great if she would go too. We definitely have an unhealthy 4/9 dynamic going on between us, a far cry from the early days of our relationship.
Life has basically shit on us and we haven't been able to deal.

I am sort of disabled at home due to a car accident a couple of months ago, which makes her behavior even more cruel. But, I am no angel, though I know that two wrongs don't make a right. So, it's not like I can get a life. I have nothing better to do than wait for her. A lot of our problems had to do with practical matters, like I wanted to spend all my time online and I was very messy, which she saw as disrespectful to her needs as an aesthetic person. And, of course, there are my vile mood swings. She doesn't believe these things will ever change, and she's rather resigned right now. I, of course, want to change, even just for my own benefit. But I know it will take a long time for this to happen, and who even knows if she'll want to be with me by then.

But yes she is still pretty attached to me. I am hoping that distance will work some of this out. But a big part of me feels like having a relationship wouldn't be fair to her. But I love her so much. I just wish she would agree to come to therapy with me. But of course, being a 9, the whole idea is like anathema to her.

: Are you familiar with 9 denial? It sounds to me like she is still very attached to you. (Don't try to tell her how she feels, though.)

: I would say it is up to you to decide whether you really want to wait this out or go ahead and break things off (like not living together, etc.) My opinion is that if she says she wants to break things off and just be friends, then that would be the best thing to do. Otherwise, you'll just suffer quietly not knowing what is actually going on with her. Until she can make a firm decision, don't let her torture you. Whether she knows what she is doing to you or not, it's rather cruel.

: Froggy

: : Hello. I have been involved in a stormy relationship with a 9 for six years. Recently, this person has told me, for the first time, that she no longer wants to be with me. This came after an awful personal tragedy, lots of fighting, and a bout of depression on her part. She claims, when she is not blaming me for all her problems and spewing hostility, that she still wants to be "friends", and we still talk everyday, though things are awkward. She is resolute that she no longer wants to be with me, however she still wants to live with me when we go to grad school. Now, I guess here is my question : do 9s, in anyone's experience, change their minds about things like this? Or is something like this likely to be a firm conviction, that will not change as a matter of principle? Should I just listen to her and give up hope?

: : Thanks for any advice or experiences. I couldn't bare to lose my dear 9,
: : even if she may be unhealthy and selfish. I've done my share, too.

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